Wow! A HUGE cool thing just happened in science! Given the fact that you, an idiot, are not a scientist, there’s not a chance your pea brain could ever truly understand. However, we are willing to try to educate (‘educate’ is another word for ‘teach’) you through a series of condescending comparisons. Of course, it won’t be the real science you’re understanding, just a severely dumbed down baby version of it, because you’re a widdle baby.

Ok, so recently they released a cool black and orange picture of a “black hole,” remember? Sorry, that’s probably much too complicated, so let’s start with this. You know the thing you see when you’re outside and you look up and it’s big and blue? That’s something experts call the “sky.” Sorry if this jargon gets a little difficult to follow, we are really doing our best to go as slow as possible so you can keep up. Ok so, if you have a ceiling in your house, then you can understand the “sky” as being the ceiling for the Earth. 

Here’s where it gets tricky. If you’ve ever looked into a steaming hot bowl of alphabet soup, you’ve probably seen little spaghetti letters floating around. In this metaphor, the little spaghetti letters are the stars and planets you see in the sky when it gets dark out, a phenomenon known to scientists as “nighttime.” There’s a chance you have a baby bedtime of 5 pm to match your baby brain so you’ve never experienced night, but it’s super fun and when people start doing cool things like drink alcohol. Alcohol is something grown ups do to feel good inside. Instead of the boobie juice you babies drink.

Anyway, scientists looked at the “sky” at “nighttime” and what they saw AMAZED them! The same way you’re amazed when someone disappears behind their hand (where did they go?!) and then reappears randomly and yells “PEEK-A-BOO”! Honestly, it’s not really worth it to explain to you what they saw because it’s clear you wouldn’t really understand but that it was awesome like how you find awesome whatever it is that tiny brains like yourself find awesome. 

So there you have it! Next time you want to read an article on science consider getting a PhD in astrophysics first.

The post Something Big Just Happened In Science! Let Us Explain It In Insultingly Simplistic Metaphors So Your Tiny Baby Brain Will Understand appeared first on dnatured journal.

Earlier this month a team of researchers came across a mysterious “bird-ish” creature deep within the Amazon rainforest — but the creature’s proportions and behaviours were so disgusting that the researchers immediately wanted to un-discover it. 

“With the bird, it’s hard to explain why it’s so disturbing,” said lead researcher Terry Norus, choking back vomit. “It has a beak that feels like a mouldy cucumber, with humanesque teeth. And it’s always expelling feces. Always.”

Beyond its obviously repulsive physical appearance of a vulture-like bald head and diarrhea -green feathers, Norus also says they have never encountered a bird quite as irritating as this one. 

“I no longer believe in the science of birds.”

Famed ornithologist Ludwig Von Drake on the discovery

Described as a “straight up bully,” the bird comes across its food supplies through stealing from other local animal species and leaving behind its signature tag “Feather Flock My Egg Hole, Bitch,” written in it’s own diarrhea-coloured feathers so their literate victims know what hit them.  

“The bird is also always ‘on,’” said Norus, “it’s always trying to get our attention by one-upping whatever we say.” Norus also says the creature is less of a songbird, more of a screambird. 

The researchers dubbed the species Birdthatisa uglydumbass aka “yo mama bird,” clarifying that it’s not a latin name indicating the genus or anything, just a description of how they sort of feel about it. 

While they refused to take or bring back any pictures of the discovery, Birdthatisa uglydumbass has been described as having the “most unbelievably soulless eyes ever come across in nature” and as being “large enough that its size is disturbing for a bird, but not quite large enough to be fun like an ostrich.” 

“Plus, its legs aren’t quite long enough to be hot like an ostrich,” chimed in another researcher. 

“I no longer believe in the science of birds,” said famed ornithologist Ludwig Von Drake. “We were so preoccupied with whether or not we could discover new species, we didn’t stop to think, what if there was a bird so horrible it made you want to die?” 

“My job is to study the flora and fauna and bring them into public knowledge, but this one… this one should’ve remained unknown to man,” weeped a member of the research expedition Jake McMiller when asked about the discovery. “This bird isn’t just ugly and stupid in the way a pigeon is, this bird is wrong. This bird makes a shit-covered pigeon look like a goddamn phoenix.”

Currently, a petition for un-discovery has over 1 million signatures but scientific experts say while Uglydumbass can be officially un-discovered, it can never be unseen.

The post Researchers Discover Busted Ass Bird So Ugly And Annoying They Would Like To Un-Discover It appeared first on dnatured journal.

The annual Microbiology Conference, an event showcasing the latest research on microorganisms, took a turn as a talk that was initially on how to curb the spread of E. coli began slowly devolving into a presentation about how certain bacteria are “extremely cute.”

Attendees were initially excited to get a first look at the breakthrough research by Soleil Brown, an emerging microbiologist and prominent Etsy shop owner, who’s abstract detailed an unprecedented glimpse into bacterial social structure [1]. 

“In hindsight, the first sign of trouble was when she began the lecture by giving everyone a discount code for her popular “Googl-E. coli” dolls, which were just pom-poms with googly eyes,” said one disappointed microbiologist [2].

Though Brown’s research examining the ways in which bacteria group was indisputably strong, uncertainty permeated the crowd when she revealed a slide entitled, “Now Imagine E. coli Hosting a Tea Party.” Attendees grew concerned when Brown would wistfully repeat, “now imagine if I was invited to that tea party. I think that’d be so fun,” every few slides.

“The presentation was nuts,” said rival microbiologist and myxococcus researcher Gordon Orville when asked for comment, “everyone knows myxo is the cutest bacteria.”

At press time, Brown was showing microscopic images of E. coli photo-shopped with little wigs and dresses [3]. When asked for comment, Brown squeaked and exclaimed “they’re so cute!”

The post Microbiologist’s Presentation On E. Coli Increasingly Devolving Into A PowerPoint On How Cute Bacteria Are appeared first on dnatured journal.

A breakthrough discovery by a group of astronomers has confirmed not only the existence of dark energy, long theorized to account for 68% of the universe’s mass, but that most of it can be traced back to a middle-schooler’s angst-ridden diary. 

The powerful journal, long-forgotten and stashed in a dresser, contains just 10 entries, each one emanating a darker energy than the last. The energy was forged from the apparent author, a 13-year-old girl, meticulously documenting every single aspect of her life, no matter how embarrassing. Scientists say if the girl had written just one more passage, the concentration of dark energy would have caused the sudden collapse of the entire universe [1].

“We’ve long hypothesized that dark energy must be all around us, but we didn’t know it could exist so strongly in one place,” says leading astrophysicist Michelle Warner. She also revealed that upon opening the journal, the radiation of dark energy so strong that it was “physically painful to be in its presence, like the sensation of cringing at someone else’s humiliation while knowing their humiliation is somehow also your own.” Experts believe the power of its energy comes from the knowledge that the author is not you, but that it totally could have been. 

Amazingly, almost 90% of the dark energy in the known universe comes from just two passages [2]. The first, which describes the details of an 8th grade formal, features the author’s lengthy description of the floor-length jean dress she wore, how she cried in the bathroom after messing up the dance to Crank That by Soulja Boy, and a strangely emotional retelling of slow-dancing with “Anime Justin” to the song Big Green Tractor.

The most powerful source of dark energy in the journal comes from a poem entitled “When I First Saw You On Omegle.” 

The discovery has lent to new theories on the expansion of our universe as well. “We’re now almost certain that the universe’s accelerating expansion is caused by the powerful need for all matter to get as quickly away from the contents of the journal as possible.” 

The post Whoa! Astrophysicists Confirm That The Galaxy’s Most Powerful Dark Energy Is Located Inside This Middle-School Diary appeared first on dnatured journal.