A bacterial culture living on plate STREP-1665 at an unnamed university are sounding the alarm about a peeping tom graduate student who watches them participate in sexual reproduction multiple times a day. According to some bacteria, this has been happening for generations.

“My grandmother would talk about The Peeping Tom of 1665,” says Kellie, a 47th-generation 1665ite, “and now, I can’t even have over a germtleman caller to divide in private without feeling like they’re watching.”

Citizens claim to have been spied upon with a tiny hole in the typically dark ceiling above them, with the only subtle hint a blinding light from below, generally at a time when millions of bacteria are caught in the middle of compromising acts. While this massive invasion of privacy is painful to endure, other bacteria from surrounding cultures share more deadly accounts.

“I wish some creep were glowering at us and that’s it,” claims Gerald McIntyre, a bacillus from the inner ring of BAC-1635C. “My Nana, rest her Bundle, was one of the survivors of a serial killer who started out just looking in at them before escalating.”

McIntyre refers to the famed serial killer “Ethanol 95,” whose identity is still largely unknown. This serial killer, uniquely prolific, murdered billions of bacteria in cold cytoplasm.

Still, as microbiologists keep peeping in on the bacteria at all hours of the day and night, the bacteria have found work arounds to avoid any exhibitionist performances. 

“Now we just don’t have sex when that blinding light is on,” said one bacterium. “It’s better that way anyway, since there are no more fights over who has the longest flagella.”

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Palaeontologists who just uncovered a new relative of the Ankylosaurus say that even more impressive than its robust, 12” thick shell and its 25-ft long body, the dinosaur also just became the youngest senator of the United States of America.

After running a tough campaign, the dinosaur, Yuxisaurus, claimed victory over its opponent, the former senator Daniel G. Stevens of Utah, after doing nothing but chilling underground for the past 115 million years. 

While he has yet to comment publicly on his defeat, anonymous sources close to Stevens have quoted him as saying “How in the jiminy did I get whooped by someone almost half my age!?” 

“I’m not just young,” stated the upstart Yuxisaurus in an interview, “I’m fresh. I have new ideas. We are going to bring this country into the late 19th century.” 

Senate minority leader Rich McConnell, himself an ancient amphibian, has publicly opposed the election of Yuxisaurus. In a statement released from a steaming, primordial bog, McConnell lambasted Yuxisaurus for not being experienced enough or committed to traditional American values. 

Yuxisaurus did not respond, as they were grazing at the time.

The former youngest senator, Greg Ganson of Georgia, was reportedly sad to lose the title, but welcomes forward development of the nation, saying he would be publicly endorsing Yuxisaurus on “Facespace, or whatever people are using these days.”

Upcoming elections promise other potential shake-ups, including the possible election of Torosaurus, another youngster at just under 100 million years old. 

“I wish him well,” said Yuxisaurus, “I shouldn’t have this title for long. We need to get some new people in here. Maybe someday we’ll even elect a mammal.”

Looking at fellow senator Ed Cruise, Yuxisaurus grimaced.

“Though I doubt the other life forms, like Ed, a gelatenous pond scum, would ever welcome someone who isn’t cold-blooded.”

The post Wow! This Newly Discovered Dinosaur Was Just Elected Nation’s Youngest Senator appeared first on dnatured journal.

Want a better tax return but aren’t rich enough for tax evasion? Science has you covered! Simply declare all your lab and body-based bacteria as dependents for a tax credit. 

While people may call this tax fraud or “creative accounting,” if you have provided your bacteria with food, shelter and clothing for the last financial year, AND total bacterial income did not exceed $4200, then you technically have trillions of dependents! And when your annual income fee barely covers food and rent, it’s important to get as many tax breaks as possible. General Tips are followed by the complete Bacterial Dependent Tax Code.

Tips For Maximizing Your Tax Return

Maximize Cultures

The bigger your brood, the bigger the tax break, so be sure to culture your new wards overnight at 37 C to maximize their numbers.

Use Proper Names

A separate Form μ-810M3 must be submitted for each bacterium, so make sure you have a good naming scheme for all trillion bacteria, including strain information and a family tree. Tip: use modifiers such as “Jr” or “the MCLXXXXVIIth” for bacteria in the same family. 

Keep Track Of Birthdays

Carefully write down each bacterium’s birth date and time. This will help you assign each one a personality according to their star chart in case nosy tax people start asking.

Keep Receipts

Keep receipts from any bacteria-related purchases. Do not claim anything that might harm the bacteria, like alcohol or bleach. 

Have Photo Evidence

Take a photo with your new family! Having a record of family gatherings will help solidify the belief that your bacteria are dependants.

Count Exactly

To avoid a visit from the IRS, be sure to provide the EXACT number of dependent microbes. The IRS knows.

Grieve Conspicuously

Have lavish funerals for any bacterium that die. Love and cherish your bacteria. They are your family now. You are their god. They are children of God.

COVID-19 Addendum

If your bacteria have helped you navigate such a difficult year, have them registered as emotional support microbes

Bacterial Dependent Tax Code:

Add-Ons

If your bacteria carry any plasmids or phages, use Form C-0MP373N7 to enumerate them. 

State Microbes

Your state microbe should NOT be listed as a dependent. It is considered your civic duty to provide a safe home for that microbe. For similar reasons, you should NOT list Lactobacillus rhamnosus, which was given special protections by Ben Franklin in an 1823 executive order.

Supplements

Money spent on fiber supplements to feed your gut microbes is eligible for the Prebiotic Tax Credit established in 2015

Cytokine Changes

Previous guidelines suggested downregulating pro-inflammatory cytokines prior to tax season in order to boost microbial load. This strategy was outlawed in 2018.

Marital Microbes

If you share microbes with a spouse, be sure that only one of you claims that microbe.

Maximum Energy Limits

Any microbes earning more than 100 mol/day ATP are NOT eligible to be claimed as dependents.

The post Protocol: How To Get A Bigger Tax Return By Naming Your Bacteria As Dependents appeared first on dnatured journal.

Results from a psychology study confirmed that while Americans will take someone in a white lab coat at their word, their belief is immediately revoked if that person turns out to be an actual doctor. 

“We had one doctor in a white coat instruct several Canadians to simply wash their hands after touching the doorknob, and, of course, they washed their hands,” said Dr. Lisa Tedbury, the lead researcher.

“With the American subjects, however, not only did they not wash their hands, but the participants had scribbled ‘science is fake’ on the wall in their own blood,” said Dr. Tedbury.

In another experiment, the researchers sent in a 4-year-old in a lab coat, and the Americans, delighted at the toddler’s charm, listened intently. Then, the child was awarded an MD, and the Americans, upon seeing her again, began accusing the child of hiding the truth.”Yet, as soon as the researchers announced the toddler was not actually a doctor, the American participants once again believed she was a trustworthy source of medical information. 

“The syndrome seems to know no bounds,” said Tedbury, adding that the Americans even believed coated non-doctors who claimed having sex with demons causes ovarian cancer. 

“The reactions of Americans were often visceral and violent,” she added. “One time, a doctor walked in and just said ‘hello’ and the American participants began quoting the Bible and breaking things.”

Sadly, any future projects have been put on pause by the researchers, who are recovering from the broken limbs they sustained after asking Americans to please stay six feet apart for social distancing. “Thank goodness that 4-year-old still had on her white coat,” says Tedbury, “Who knows what could have happened if she hadn’t stopped them…”

The post Study Confirms Americans Will Believe Anything Said By People Wearing White Coats, As Long As They’re Not Doctors Or Scientists appeared first on dnatured journal.

A recent discovery has sent shockwaves through the sauropodian science community as scientists now believe that the Diplodocus used its famous whip-like tail to dominate other dinosaurs in an effort to spark passion.

“We started to get suspicious once we found the cache of leather and handcuffs,” says Dr. Kipperton, the leader of the dig, “but it definitely helps make sense of the whip tail thing.”

Previously thought to be used either to frighten predators or communicate to other members of the herd, the new findings confirm that kinky sex play was, in fact, the primary reason for the unique apparatus. 

Additionally, this is found to officially override the notion of water-assisted reproduction among sauropods, also known as the use of “sex lakes,” as, in the words of Dr. Kipperton, “you can’t whip somebody underwater. Trust me.”

When approached for comment, the fossilized Diplodocus bones stated that they were completely fine with being discovered in such a state. “Healthy and consensual play like this helps us to keep relationships strong and new,” said the giant reptile’s disembodied voice, “I just wish that this wasn’t such an earth-shattering revelation for such a repressed species.”

The post Scientists Now Say Diplodocus May Have Evolved Whiplike Tail To Spice Things Up In The Bedroom appeared first on dnatured journal.

Though the quarantine has resulted in many people being unable to keep up with work and just catch up with reading and information in their field, some dedicated scientists are still working to uncover new information for future generations, even from the confines of their own homes. This includes Garnet Tilton, a Paleontology graduate who, while walking in her daughter Lottie Tilton’s room, stepped on a painful new species of dinosaur made of hardened plastic.

Unlike most fossils, this dinosaur was discovered not buried in sediment, but rather laying on a shag carpeting rug. Describing the conditions, Tilton & Tilton (2020) referred to the environment as “RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE OF THE MOTHER EFFING FLOOR,” which, per her comments, was also where she has previously discovered some painfully sharp rocketships. 

This interesting find was not apparently expected in spite of this, however, as studies confirm that that structure of the dinosaur’s skeleton is not bone, but rather “[…]ING LEGOs.” This is the first known dinosaur to have adapted a skeleton made entirely of plastic, as well as hunting only the feet of its targets in the manner described in Tilton & Tilton (2020) as “WENT RIGHT THROUGH [one’s] FREAKING FOOT, LOTTIE.” 

At the present time, the recently-discovered theropod has yet to be named, with the only possible name ascribed being that of “A COMPLETE FREAKING NUISANCE! LOTTIE, WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU.” Tilton’s daughter and co-author, 6-year-old Lottie Tilton, states that they are discussing calling it a species of tyrannosaur, since “that’s what the box says.”

The post Wow! This Paleontologist Working From Home Just Discovered A New Dinosaur Species With Bare Foot appeared first on dnatured journal.

Hey there, I’m Line 27. You know, the one that stands out as being overly impressive even though you and I both know it’s a stretch at best.

Now, I get that your CV is designed to reflect your best most representative work to a prospective employer, and that some people take literary liberties, but dude, come on.

It’s pretty clear I have no business being here, and I’m starting to wonder if you slot me in on purpose. Maybe you got mixed up on an acceptance e-mail? Or, hey, there’s always the issue with copying and pasting from another CV, and then forgetting to remove that last, really interesting and successful job title. Maybe you just popped me down in a late-night multitasking panic stupor as an aspiration! Incidentally, you may want to stop eating instant coffee and grading papers at 3:00 AM. Just a suggestion. 

But yeah, you may wanna consider toning my whole line down just a bit. Or just, like, completely. And while I have you, you may take a quick look-over at just a few other lines. Most of them are cool, sure. Like on Line 46, when you said you worked as management at Jerry’s Hardware Store in your hometown? Totes on the up and up! I spoke to Mr. 46 and he gave me three references.

But I’ve been talking to some of the other guys, and some of them are even older mistakes than me. You’ve never been to a club meeting since I’ve known you, and yet all the lines under Organizational Positions complain that it’s been super crowded down there. 

Some of your biggest stretches are in the presentation section. Quite a few of the “different” presentations are really, really similar except for their title. Like, again, 100% understand making a tiny whoopsie like that, it happens! But you wouldn’t want to accidentally mislead some poor hiring manager, would you?

One last thing: There’s a problem with the languages section. Brazilian Portuguese? Please save us some embarrassment and switch that to “you went to Brazil once on Spring Break.” It would just be a good idea to make that tiny adjustment, you know?

So, just take a peek at your CV real quick, I’ve even attached a marked-up pdf. Just lemme know if I should, you know, head on out. Cool beans. TTYL, dude.

Yours in transparency,

Line 27

The post “Pretty Sure I Don’t Belong Here” Says Most Impressive Line On Your CV appeared first on dnatured journal.