A recent study of undergraduate behavior stood out for the uncanny match between its hypothesis and the published results, delighting the researchers who designed the experiment. The study focused on confirmation bias, the tendency for a person to interpret evidence in a way that confirms their existing beliefs. The prescient hypothesis? That confirmation bias is less prominent among students who have studied psychology.

Lead researcher Dr. Ian Dackson says the inspiration for the research came from a watercooler dispute with colleagues from other departments.

“The argument really made me question my own assumptions. Does studying the mind really put you above the human foibles we all share?” Dackson asks. “It turns out? Yes.”

The results were predicted so precisely that it prompts the question: was the study worth doing in the first place?

“It’s all about gathering good data,” said Dr. Dackson. “You have to be careful about holding to a certain standard of quality. For example, one of our grad students brought forward some surprising results. The data she collected showed no statistically significant distinction across undergraduate majors. So I did a little digging, and it turns out she conducted some of her surveys near the Poli Sci building. And what do you think her undergraduate minor was? Political science! Just as I expected. This is exactly why it’s so important to control for bias.”

Naturally, Dr. Dackson had to toss the bad dataset. But what about the rest of the surveys?

“The rest of our grad students were very assiduous. I saw them collecting responses a few times myself as I left the lecture. As a matter of fact, I think that was the week we covered cognitive biases.”

Asked if even a single data point challenged the study’s predictions, Dackson replies, “Not that I can recall.”

After such tidy results, it’s hard to imagine a future for this line of questioning. Dackson disagrees.

“I do think further study is needed,” he says. “If we measured a difference at the undergraduate level, imagine the effect of graduate coursework. A doctorate of psychology must be the least biased of all. My next paper will prove that, I just know it.”

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A team of marine biologists chasing the Alvinella hermitus, an elusive tube worm known to live only in extreme deep-sea habitats, has just released a video apparently showing the creature mouthing ‘go away’ and flipping them off. After decades without a sighting, the team says the new communication has given them the boost they needed to continue researching the curmudgeonly worm.

“The worm is somehow able to survive in the deep pressure and scalding waters around these hydrothermal vents, which are inhospitable to human divers and challenging to access even with remotely-operated equipment,” says Dr. Earl Byrd. “It’s almost like these worms don’t want to be found!”

Clocking in at 43 seconds, the video shows the creature twisting and turning through bubbling water. “It was doing some sort of mating dance to us,” said Byrd. Further examination of the video revealed that the polychaete worm appears was spelling out the Latin alphabet letters G, T, F, and O.

“This species is so hard to track down, I’ve been trying to get footage like this for years!” said Byrd. “This worm is my Moby Dick,” said one biologist of the flaccid white worm.

The worm recently filed a restraining order against the biologist.

At press time, Alvinella hermitus is unavailable for comment, as Byrd has piloted the team’s last available remotely operated vehicle into the funnel of an undersea volcano, where it was destroyed.

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