Princeton University scientists announced today that they have discovered the existence of a new species of insect they’ve named Vespa caralona, or, as the scientists have nicknamed it, the “tax-fraud wasp”.

The team noted that this new organism can mainly be found living in hillside or heavily wooded areas, but do make occasional trips into urban areas to meet with accountants to file wildly fraudulent and deceitful tax returns that grossly misrepresent their actual earnings. 

“Beyond a somewhat painful stinging, these wasps post no physical threat whatsoever to human beings,” clarified head researcher Laura Rawlings. “But the impact they could have on both the national and global economies hurts far more than a jab from a venomous stinger.”

The insect is thought to originate from the British Virgin Islands, which features the world’s biggest concentration of tax cheats. Many tax-fraud wasps are worth upwards of seven figures, and have either inherited their wealth or generated it with a few well-placed investments in areas such as tech or nectar futures.

The research team is currently investigating the possibility that the tax-fraud wasp may become an invasive species, in which case the U.S. could become overrun by irritating, Armani-sporting wasps in Porsches with dyed stingers. 

The post Shit! Scientists Announce Terrifying New Insect They’re Calling “Tax-Fraud Wasps” appeared first on dnatured journal.

A group of zoo koalas, straining to restrain themselves from erupting into loud guffaws, announced today that, following close and extensive observation, they have found that pandas definitely cover themselves in horse feces to keep warm.

“Oh yeah, I totally saw it myself,” confirmed the most visibly amused of the pack, Koo Koo, while hiding his mouth behind his elbow. “During the winter months especially, panda bears cover themselves in horse dung to trap in their body heat—the fresher and warmer, the better.” 

“Sometimes,” added another of the koalas, Boomerang, “in order to keep themselves really warm, they even…eat some of it.” This pronouncement was met with several exclamations of “aw, dude” and “that went too far” from his fellow koalas.

When asked for confirmation, Penn State University professor Tom Nash, an expert in panda bear behaviour, expressed confusion at the koalas’ claims, adding “I also haven’t personally heard of panda bears eating horse feces for that purpose, and I certainly have never observed, as these koalas have, that the pandas seem to ‘get off’ on the smell.”

When reached for comment, a group of panda bears rolled their eyes and muttered, “Well, koala bears cover themselves in their own piss, why don’t you look into that?” When pressed on whether they do in fact cover themselves in horse feces for warmth, one of the pandas loudly shouted, “Look! Bamboo!”, prompting the entire pack to run off.

The post Pandas Roll in Horse Feces to Keep Warm, Announce Zoo Koalas, Snickering appeared first on dnatured journal.

36-year-old Don Early, who has battled depression for the past twenty years, announced today that he is “completely fed up” with the quarantine and social-distancing efforts he has had to undertake over the last ten months as a cautionary measure against the spread of the coronavirus, and that he cannot wait to return to his pre-COVID routine of not seeing other human beings and spending most of his time at home.

“The loneliness and isolation are really getting to me,” Early confided, gazing wistfully out his bedroom window at a local bar, The Frog and Scorpion, that he never frequented even before the initial outbreak of COVID last March. “The pandemic has really disrupted a lot of the social customs and rituals that brought joy to my life.” 

When asked what those rituals were, Early gave a long pause before finally offering, “Watching Netflix at home… but, like, not in a… sad way.”

Early added that he particularly missed being able to see his family, who live in a small town three hours away, in person. “It sucks only being able to see them over Zoom or on the phone,” he lamented. 

Sources say that three weeks before lockdown began, Early had backed out of visiting his grandparents, telling his parents that he was far too busy with readings for his part-time welding program at a local community college to spare two hours to visit them. 

In reality, Early spent the day watching old Unsolved Mysteries episodes on YouTube. 

At press time, Early expressed a longing to return to considering visiting the parks, museums and bars in his area before ultimately spending the day in bed.

The post Clinically Depressed Man Can’t Wait to Return to Pre-COVID Lifestyle of Avoiding Human Contact and Rarely Leaving Home appeared first on dnatured journal.

Lauren Schilling, the 38-year-old woman accused of kidnapping of Brandon Paulson, 2, from a supermarket parking lot, says that she is Brandon’s mother now and that given the literature she’s read online, is uncertain if she will continue with his vaccinations. 

“I’m just not sure that the benefits outweigh the risks. Did you know that most people who get diseases are vaccinated?” asked Schilling, 38, whose compulsive yet exhilarating decision has thrust her into the national spotlight as the target of an intensive man-hunt.

“And anyway, disease rates were on the decline even before vaccines, because hygiene and sanitation improved,” added Schilling, who has hidden Brandon in a Super 8 motel and has been feeding him pizza while she decides her next move. 

Schilling, who has always wanted children but cannot have any of her own, pointed out that “vaccinations have been found to have terrible side effects-and there are probably some we don’t even know about yet. I don’t think I want that for Brandon.”

The post Woman Skeptical About Vaccinating Child She Just Kidnapped From Parking Lot appeared first on dnatured journal.

Oganesson, an unstable radioactive element that decays in under one second, has been kicked off of the periodic table after other elements accused it of displaying a pattern of rash and unsettlingly disruptive behaviour. 

“Oganesson was welcomed into the periodic table a few years ago on the condition that it would be able to coexist with other elements,” explained the periodic table’s alpha particle, Helium (He). “But it didn’t take long for it to start talking over other elements at meetings, stealing other elements’ electrons from the communal fridge, and disappearing the second someone needed to quantify its existence.”

Lithium (Li), president of the periodic table’s Metallic region, condemned Oganesson in a press conference. “I received several complaints from the lanthanides that Oganesson displayed a pattern of harassment, including unwanted advances on elements that were clearly involved in compounds with other elements.”

Oganesson has also been accused of trying to turn select elements against each other. “It’s an open secret that it told Carbon (C) that Oxygen (O) was trying to undermine it,” said one flammable gaseous element, who preferred to remain anonymous. “It would say things like ‘it’s clearly trying to hold you back. You should ditch it and see what you can really do without that dead weight.’ Really shady stuff.” 

When asked for comment, Oganesson blamed its unstable tendencies on its weak binding energy, and accused Lithium of capitalizing on widespread depression in order to remain relevant, adding, “that loser would be nowhere if it wasn’t for that Nirvana song.” 

The post Element Fired From Periodic Table Amid Reports Of Dangerously Unstable Behaviour appeared first on dnatured journal.

The producers of ABC’s long-running daytime talk show The View announced today that a parasitic lamprey, found largely in coastal and fresh waters in temperate regions, will be joining the show’s cast next month [1].

In a press release, the show’s executive producer Brian Teta enthused that “we at The View pride ourselves on the diversity of the voices featured on our program, and we are thrilled to finally include a panelist who can represent the parasitic-fish perspective, which is sorely missing from broadcast television.”

The unnamed fish, who has no previous television experience, is expected to clash with its costars, particularly Meghan McCain and Whoopi Goldberg, both of whom have gone on record as finding lampreys to be “slimy and disgusting.” It is likely to defend such practices as burrowing under the skin of other fish and sucking their blood, and spawning in piles of sand and gravel, putting it at odds with Joy Behar, who has dismissed such activities as “a load of crap.”

The lamprey’s hiring isn’t the show’s first attempt at branching out into non-human hosts [2]. In 2003, a toddler’s drawing of a flamingo was briefly made a co-host, but was fired after only two months due to backlash over comments it made in the press criticizing the Iraq War. 

The post Jawless, Parasitic Fish Joins The Cast Of The View appeared first on dnatured journal.

Nutritionists at Harvard have announced most people would benefit from swapping out deep-fried chocolate-dipped bacon-wrapped ice cream sundaes, a common dietary staple, with baked chocolate-dipped bacon-wrapped ice cream sundaes at least once a week [1].

“Our study has shown that baking your chocolate-dipped bacon-wrapped ice cream sundaes rather than deep-frying them cuts down on calories, saturated fat, and cholesterol by as much as ‘some,’” said Dr. Curtis Anderson, head of the study. “Subjects who made the change reported marginally less labored breathing, milder gout, and shorter ‘sugar comas’.

Additionally, most of the people who switched to baked sundaes also experienced hallucinations that were less intense, or at least less cool, than those they experienced by deep-frying them.”

While the health benefits were obvious, some surveyed said they were unlikely to make the change on a permanent basis [2].

“It just doesn’t taste the same,” lamented Ellen Rawlings, 52. “Sure, there’s the sweetness of the chocolate and ice cream, and the salt and grease of the bacon, but you just don’t have the additional extra oiliness you’d get from a deep-fried chocolate-dipped bacon-wrapped ice cream sundae. You might as well be eating grass.”

The team behind the study, meanwhile, has also announced plans to investigate the advantages of switching to regular three-meat poutine from sprinkle-covered three-meat poutine.

The post Nutritionists Recommend Replacing Deep-Fried Chocolate-Dipped Bacon-Wrapped Ice Cream Sundaes with Baked Chocolate-Dipped Bacon-Wrapped Ice Cream Sundaes appeared first on dnatured journal.

A new report suggests that, although limiting the use of phones and computers among young children may be beneficial in many ways, it also leaves them dangerously oblivious of the most recent celebrity cancellations.

The study, published in Scientific American, points out that children under the age of 10 who were limited to 1-2 hours of screen time a week were far less likely to be aware of Scarlett Johansson’s recent comments about how she should be able to play whoever she wants regardless of political correctness than other children. They also lack awareness of Azealia Banks’s countless outrageous tweets, and are often ignorant of which random controversial journalist got “ratioed” on Twitter. 

“Children with drastically reduced screen time are often unable to keep up with their classmates’ discussions of which new SNL cast members wrote racist tweets six years ago,” lamented the report’s author, Dr. Tara Shewfelt [1]. “They also run the risk of continuing to support artists who express views that are neoliberal, white-feminist, or non-intersectional in nature, which will likely lead to them falling victim to bullies on the playground.”

Dr. Shewfelt suggests that if parents insist on limiting their kids’ use of phones and laptop, they should at least allow them access to Jezebel, Splinter, or Lena Dunham parody Twitter accounts.    

The post Report: Restricting Screen Time Among Young Children May Leave Them Dangerously Unaware of Which Celebrities Have Been Cancelled appeared first on dnatured journal.

A new study from Johns Hopkins University has concluded that a healthy diet is a main contributing factor in 100% of long, achingly dull lives free of any fun, indulgence or frivolity [1].

“In cases where people have lived past the age of eighty without experiencing any excitement, pleasure, or even sensations beyond smug superiority,” explained head researcher Tara Shewfelt, “we’ve found that they’ve avoided all trans fats, refined sugar, alcohol, drugs, and celebration of any kind.”

Conversely, added Shewfelt, those who indulged on a semi-regular basis in sugary, salty, fried, or processed foods routinely experience shorter life spans marked by disease [2] and, in some cases, an intimate knowledge of how rapturous it feels to have butter melt on your tongue while sitting with your lover on the beach on a hot Saturday in June [3].

“If you want the satisfaction of having outlived virtually all of your friends and family,” Shewfelt continued, “be sure to eat only fruit, vegetables, nuts, leafy greens and water.”

“But, if you indulge in less healthy foods a couple times a week, you run the risk of only living to your seventies, having sucked dry the delicious marrow from the bones of existence.” 

The post Healthy Diet Linked To 100% Of Painfully Long And Joyless Lifespans appeared first on dnatured journal.

In 1982, I released my biggest hit, “She Blinded Me With Science,” a harrowing synth-pop account of how a woman, through the use of science, robbed me of my sight. I am deeply ashamed to admit that I lied. The woman in question did not blind me with science. Rather, despite her repeated warnings against it, I blinded myself by staring directly into the sun during a solar eclipse.

I couldn’t help myself! A solar eclipse is so rare, and craved the chance to witness it. And that goddamm eclipse promptly blew out my corneas. The sad truth is that because I didn’t believe that a woman could possibly know about the complex retinal physics, I was ultimately blinded by my male chauvinism.

I couldn’t tell the truth about my blindness, fearing the damage to my reputation as a cerebral British electronic-music pioneer. So, I concocted a song that blamed my blindness to the aforementioned woman and her eyes, deep as any ocean, and her dancing, truly poetry in motion. And while her love-making truly did put the spheres in commotion, it in no way contributed to my complete loss of vision in both eyes.

I apologize to Miss Sakamoto, and hope that I can one day hear her machinery whirring once again.

The post Op-Ed by Thomas Dolby: I’m Embarrassed to Admit That She Didn’t Blind Me With Science, I Blinded Myself By Staring Into the Sun During a Solar Eclipse appeared first on dnatured journal.