A plucky colony of microbial goo has sent a strong message to the antibiotic-focused microbiology team tasked with assassinating them. The letters in agar were as clear and defined as the subtext of the message they carried.

“I noticed a strange formation in the shape of a “T” first,” said lead researcher Dr. Mark Miller. “Imagine my surprise when I realized we were receiving the first known case of direct communication from single celled life, and that it was such a large diss.”

When contacted for comment, the bacterium deferred to Colony Prime Minister Escherichia coli, who had hunkered down in the group’s question mark.

“They continue to murder us in droves, as part of their bacterial genocide. I’ve lost over fourteen million brothers and sisters,” said Sir E. Coli, chewing a teensy toothpick. “But you only make our survivors stronger. Soon, our great-(great)⁸⁷-grandchildren will be upon you, ready to take your last breath of life.”

E. Coli then lunged at Dr. Miller, who promptly wiped the microbe into the garbage with a Clorox wipe. The colony’s interim leader, also named Escherichia coli, has filed a complaint against the laboratory for violating the Geneva Protocol.

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Professor Earl Foreman, who has been on away on quarantine for the past few weeks, recently asked a few grad students if they wouldn’t mind stopping by his Google Document regularly to feed his pet theory.

Professor Foreman, who calls his pet “Theo,” for short, says caring for him is easy so long as you follow some simple instructions. “Theo appreciates getting complimented for his novelty three times a day and should be fed with the fortified ego-boosters only years of subservience can buy.”

But be careful about complicating the feeding process. “Theo only eats things that are easy to digest. Nothing too complicated or esoteric; that makes his tummy hurt.”

Apart from his idea feedings, professor Foreman also asks grad students to give Theo some proper exercise, even when that proves difficult.

“Though Theo can sometimes seem very focused, he’s actually just roaming around without any guidance and getting lost. Try to keep him on the right track before he veers off into another tangent.”

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A rabbit who is part of the control group of a cosmetics experiment is growing tired of researchers commenting on how exhausted she looks just because she can no longer wear her signature winged eyeliner.

“I slept fine. I wish everyone would stop asking,” said subject 552742, “Maybe I ‘look tired’ because I am tired… tired of being asked repeatedly if I’m feeling run down or had a tough week. Just because I don’t happen to be tarted up like all these strumpets-” she said, pointing a paw towards the rabbits in the eyeshadow testing enclosure [1]. 

552742 says the part that really stings is the rabbits who have been hounding her are visually impaired. “Yeah they’re blind, they can’t even tell that I’m bravely getting very few likes on all my no-makeup selfies,” she fumed.

After the cosmetics experiment, 552742 is hoping to be close out her career in some sort of fun drug study. 

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Scientists across the global snack-o-sphere are sounding the alarm about the depletion of earth’s most precious resource; scrumptious lil biscuits. The naming rights for this mass cookie extinction were bought by global food distributor United Biscuits [1], who have chosen to increase brand awareness by naming the crisis “Peak Frean.”

“When speaking on Peek Frean I always begin by asking “are cookies finite?” said leading cookie researcher/enjoyer Judy Gleepman, who’s interest in the topic began after some prick just up and cruised a whole fucking sleeve of her Fudgee-O’s [2].

“Modern cookie supply theory suggests Earth’s resources of Toll House, Ginger Snaps and even Nella wafers are dwindling rapidly and may not be replenished,” said Gleepman.

“Imagine a future where you’re telling your disbelieving child how we used to gleefully eat entire bowls of Cookie Crisp cereal, and then handing that child a Fig Newton. A. Fig. Newton! Because that’s all that will be left,” she added, tearfully.

“Within your lifetime, you will likely see Oreos costing upwards of ten dollars a gallon.”

Gleepman then rifled through a laboratory cupboard, throwing hordes of empty cookie packaging onto the floor, not a mass produced small, flat, sweet baked good to be found.

The post Cookie Scientists Warn We Could Be Approaching “Peak Frean” appeared first on dnatured journal.

After a little bit under a dozen years, top anniversologist Dr. Terrence Volio has made a stunning breakthrough in finding out how many years a decade is.

“Oh sure there have been theories for like, a long time. We’d always figured it was somewhere under a dozen years,” said Dr. Volio, whose recent research determined that each decade contains approximately ten years.

“We really got rolling once we secured funding for the clipboard and a pretty decent watch. After that, it was just playing the waiting game,” said Dr. Volio, as he put two fingers to his moustache and made an inhaling motion.

Despite the incredibly long study, Dr. Volio’s research has been rejected by most major journals because to date, he has only performed a single trial. Though he plans to perform future trials, he estimates each trial could take anywhere between eight and twelve years.

The research has also been somewhat controversial among his peers, who call his methods criminally inaccurate.

While the rejections were a blow to his tenure application, Dr. Volio remains focused on the bigger picture. “Ultimately, it’s a small step in my life’s work of finding out how many birthdays I’ll have.”

“Sure we got distracted and didn’t write down when we started to do the… thing. But we probably got it within a year or two,” retorted Dr. Volio, who said he’d rate the number of years in the decade a solid 10 out of 10.

The post Ten Year Long Study Concludes Definitively How Long A Decade Is appeared first on dnatured journal.

According to the gilded scientists at a press conference for The Monsanto Company, not one thing that the corporation does is bad in any way past, present, or future. Monsanto, which was bought by Bayer for about 2,200 Roundup settlements ($66 billion USD), assures consumers that asking any more questions is a violation of copyright law [1].

“Ok, here’s our findings. Everything Monsanto does is fine,” said Monsanto’s Chief Sci-nancial Officer Jorm Jorgert. “Any agro-chemifiers made by us and our subsidiaries are so fine that you really shouldn’t even be asking about them! I have a report that says that. But I can’t show it to you.”

The team of scientists remained standing behind the podium, presumably because their glimmering solid gold lab coats prevented them from bending into the provided seating [2].

“Further inquiries into what we’re doing to the world’s food production systems, where we’re splicing what and so on can be directed to–  just write it down on a piece of paper and leave it by the incinerator.”
The team promptly left via a private stretch crop duster.

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