A new study conducted by the University Of Toronto has found that, to the surprise of no one, the results of most studies are simply common sense. 

“Frankly, we could have told you the results of this study without even doing it,” sighed Dr. Margot Eriksson, the lead research sociologist at U of T, “but it was the only way to get funding.”

Many examples of common-sense findings include recent studies about how the global pandemic is causing more people to be depressed, how higher costs of living and poor social programs are causing millennials to have less children, how Bell Let’s Talk Day actually has no positive bearing on people’s mental health, and how water will make your hand wet if you touch it. 

From a cross section of over 200,000 test subjects, scientists found that respondents often replied to the findings of recent studies by rolling their eyes, often saying “well, duh,” or “why did they even need a study; I could have told you this.”

In some outlying cases, involving common-sense studies about vaccines or the shape of the planet earth, select participants still sighed but requested that the study be shown to various irritating family members.  

Why do we continue to perform these studies? Dr. Eriksson says it’s simple. 

“Even though they know it to be true in their hearts and minds, people love the feeling of smug satisfaction when they can back themselves up with data. Everyone enjoys starting a sentence with ‘actually, studies have shown that…’ and etcetera. It makes people feel official and smart.” 

Dr. Eriksson points out another benefit of the common-sense study: dealing with denialist politicians. “It may surprise you but there are tons of politicians who doubt self-evident statements like, ‘people should be able to afford their medicine.’ But if you make a study about it, they might be more likely to listen.” 

Of course, none of Dr. Eriksson’s claims were backed up by studies, but the University of Toronto is currently conducting a very expensive study all about whether or not people enjoy citing studies in daily conversation. 

The post New Study Finds That Most Study Findings Are Things We Pretty Much Already Knew appeared first on dnatured journal.

For more information on racism at universities, follow #BlackInTheIvory on Twitter, read Dealing with Institutional Racism on Campus: Initiating Difficult Dialogues and Social Justice Advocacy Interventions, and The Cost of Balancing Academia and Racism.

In response to the Justice for George Floyd and Black Lives Matter protests, a university named after a man who claimed “white men are the superior race, as evidenced by the dominant slope of our skulls” says they have made a promise to “not condone hatred of any kind.” The brave statement was carefully curated by the university’s all-white PR staff and was unanimously approved by the university’s all-white board.

Dean Harvington, sitting in front of a prominently displayed bust of the school’s racist founder, tried to appear stern and reflective as he reiterated the school’s firm stance on racism. His voice echoed through the halls of a building named for one of the school’s most racist alumni.

“This is 2020, not the middle ages,” Harvington says. “There is no place in the modern world for racism. Those ideologies are a thing of the past! The distant, distant past,” he continued, possibly referring to 1951 when the school’s athletics mascot was literally a Black man who lived in the boiler room.

“The men who founded this university wouldn’t have stood for it. They were idealistic individuals,” said Harvington, gesturing to the lavish portraits of men who designed residential schools and owned slaves. “Here at this University, anti-racism is in our very blood! Why, one of our founders even had a mixed-race child who we…” he paused, “must never discuss.”  

The university, also famous for its students’ wild parties in which they wear blackface as a lighthearted joke, has issued the following statement on its Twitter, Instagram, and LinkedIn profiles: 

“Here at this University, which may as well be any University in this fair and beautiful unnamed country, has come to the resoundingly courageous decision that racism is bad and we don’t like it, not one bit.

We long for a future where students of all different backgrounds of generational wealth can post selfies condemning racism, together, on our magnificent courtyard, between their unpaid internships.

We, as a university, must continue asking the hard questions, then immediately remind people how noble it was to ask that question in the first place. And if we don’t like the answers given to us by people with lived experiences of racism, throw our hands up in the air and proclaim that the issue is “too complex.”

We hope that the public continues to hold us accountable for our wonderful hopes and dreams of a better tomorrow.“

For more information on racism at universities, follow #BlackInTheIvory on Twitter, read Dealing with Institutional Racism on Campus: Initiating Difficult Dialogues and Social Justice Advocacy Interventions, and The Cost of Balancing Academia and Racism.

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Plants, which provide oxygen, prevent flooding and are the basis of the earth’s food chain, are being slaughtered in record numbers, but environmental groups are convinced they just need to soften their image.

Insert Trunky, the adorable leafy mascot with big doe eyes and pudgy cheeks.

“When I saw the small tree character “Baby Groot” doing a little dance during Guardians of the Galaxy, I knew we could harness that energy to make plants as popular as pandas,” said environmental scientist Dr. Holly Madiera.

Trunky makes soft cooing noises and bats his eyelashes at the viewer to make him “as endearing as possible.”

“People don’t understand that deforestation and monoculture are destroying the planet – and frankly nobody cares,” Dr. Madiera sighs. “It’s so easy to convince people to save sea turtles. Have you SEEN a sea turtle? They’re so damn cute. That ad campaign writes itself.” Dr. Madiera takes a long pause. “Nobody cries looking at a field of soy.”

“People are up in arms over polar bear rugs, where is the outrage over mahogany tables?” she asked.

Behind Dr. Madiera is a vision board covered with word association webs, filled with the phrases “big EYES? wet nose! fuzziness?” and something the board refers to as “squish appeal.” She gestures to it with a sigh.

“This has been a years-long intensive project designed to create the world’s cutest plant. Maybe people will be more conscious of their eating habits and their environmental impact if old wood forests have…” she checks her notes, “snoots and… pupper noses.”

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The world has changed immensely since the Stone Age – some would say it is almost unrecognizable. However, thanks to a recent technological breakthrough at the University of Victoria, history is getting a little more relatable.

Thanks to contributions from top neurologists, pathologists, radiologists, orthopedists, orthodontists, archeologists, surgeons, sculptors, instagram models, and social media influencers, we are now able to see what people from the Stone Age would have looked like if they had gotten a little work done [1].

“Sometimes, the skulls that are used in historical reconstructions belonged to total uggos,” says Dr. Marcel Blaine, head of Aesthetic Plastic Surgery at St. Alban’s Hospital. Blaine spearheaded the project and was the team lead for most of the endeavour.

“We see photos of Myrtis the Mesopotamian Girl who died of typhoid in 400 whatever BC… we just can’t relate to it. If Myrtis had been alive nowadays, I’m telling you, she would be on her third round of lip fillers,” proclaimed Dr. Blaine. “At the very least, she would be using facetune in all of her photos. So this project is here to show, what these people would REALLY look like, if they were alive today.”  

The post Groundbreaking Forensic Facial Reconstruction Shows What People 9,000 Years Ago Would Have Looked Like With Botox and Fillers appeared first on dnatured journal.

The average housefly lives an average of 28 days – an amount many in the scientific community describe as “way too long anyway” – but entomologists out of the University of Toronto have confirmed your longstanding suspicions: the fly with the longest recorded lifespan in history is the one currently trapped in your kitchen. You know the one, the big greasy black one that almost flew into your mouth that one time.

After a gruelling month-long study, researchers determined that that one housefly that seems to hang out in the area between the sink and the green bin is without a doubt the oldest fly on record and shows no signs of slowing down.

“It’s unlikely this fly will go away any time soon,” says Dr. Stacy Fields, one of the team’s lead researchers. “He seems to be a real fixture of the apartment. It really is the most miraculous longevity we’ve seen in this particular species of Musca Domestica.

“We’re speculating that something about the place could be contributing to his longevity-” Dr. Fields gestures towards a bowl of buttered ramen noodles, left on the counter since Tuesday, “but at this point we can’t be one hundred percent sure.”

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