After years of frustration dealing with single-digit NIH paylines, microbiologist Malcolm Welles invented a time machine to transport himself to the 1980s when ample grant funding was the norm.

“Back then institutes didn’t have to make arbitrary distinctions among well-reviewed proposals – they could all be funded down to the 30th, even 35th percentile!” said time travel pioneer Welles. “Old-timers in the faculty lounge can’t stop smiling when they talk about those days. I just wanted to experience that for myself.”

So far Welles has received two hefty grants that will keep his 20th century lab going well into the 1990s. “It’s astounding. The proposals aren’t any better than the ones I submit in the present but the money keeps rolling in.”

Welles has begun to share his secret with others. New faculty member Mary Warner recently returned from her second trip. “I didn’t suffer any ill effects,” the intrepid bacteriologist explained, “and the benefits are amazing. In 1985 I have my own R01 a full three years before I come up for promotion. Try doing that in 2021.”

“Also,” says Warner, “I’ve amassed a terrific collection of scrunchies.”

When asked how success in the past helps his current applications, Welles’s tone became muted. “I always return eager to write new grants but the enthusiasm fades when my scores are in the 20th percentile and unfundable.” He sighed and popped a Duran Duran cassette tape into his Walkman. “Still, it shows my mentoring committee I’m trying.”

The post Can’t Get Funding For Your Project? Try Travelling Back to the 1980s For Some Absurdly Generous Grants! appeared first on dnatured journal.

Department of Psychology Chair Dr. Martha Willets apologized this week for sponsorship of what was billed as the department’s first annual p-hackathon, but was actually a bid by a professor to improve the p-value of his data.

“I was led to believe the “p” stood for programming,” said Dr. Willets. “I never imagined a faculty member would pressure students into mining his data until a statistically significant p-value could be found.”

While Willets’s email did not identify the faculty member, sources named behavioral psychologist Joshua Beecham, who will be considered for tenure next year.

One post-doc, who spoke on condition of anonymity, characterized the data from Beecham’s latest study, looking at mood disorders in urban environments, as a “shit-show.”

“You’ve seen blood-spattered walls in slasher movies?  Our scatter plots looked worse. Not one key variable was related to another. That’s when he came up with the hackathon idea.”

Participants at the 36-hour event were provided with pizza, energy drinks and temporary “I am ≤ 0.05” tattoos while Beecham stood on the sidelines offering encouragement. “At one point he was yelling ‘Rerun that data like it’s a Simpsons episode,’” said grad student Angela Yost. Other p-hackathon participants confirmed that Beecham distributed t-shirts reading: “You call it stepwise regression, I call it first author JAMA.”

When contacted, Beecham’s only reply was a PDF of his newly accepted paper: “Wonderwall: The effect of apartment building facade colors on anhedonia in city dwellers.”

The post Uh Oh! Supervisor Under Investigation After Organizing A “P-Hackathon” To Get Some Statistically Significant Data appeared first on dnatured journal.