Members of the Lanzetti lab were left shaking in fear today after 27-year-old graduate student James Pishkin announced his renewed resolve towards his PhD work, unaware that his inactivity was the one thing keeping him from unleashing disaster on his colleagues.

“I’ll admit, I was pretty lazy and unfocused for the past few months,” said Pishkin, referring to a period his coworkers viewed as a golden age of productivity and smooth operations.

“I didn’t really get a lot done. Well, this time, it’s gonna be different. I’m gonna be more careful and organized.” Pishkin smiled and gave local sources a thumbs-up, apparently ignorant of the cell samples he should have removed from the heat block four hours ago.

Pishkin’s labmates were united in their trepidation. “Hearing that James is gonna be doing more around the lab shook me to my core,” said postdoc Deandra Gallard. “He’s a nice guy, but the last time somebody tried to teach him how to use a centrifuge, they nearly lost an eye.

“I still have nightmares about the time he tried to titrate our stock PBS,” she added.

“The last time Jimmy tried to apply himself, he caused fifty thousand dollars’ worth of damage to our confocal microscope,” said veteran lab technician Sarah Jiang, repressing a shudder. “I don’t know how he even did it. I was watching him the entire time. I think I’ll be taking the next week or so off until he loses his motivation again.”

When asked for comment on his mentee’s renewed efforts, award-winning microbiologist Dr. Gianni Lanzetti responded, “Who?”

At the time of this article’s publication, Pishkin announced his intention to collaborate with other labs, resulting in an informal evacuation of the building.

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