John Leach, a prominent researcher on environmental issues at Stanford University, announced today that even if Earth reached the climate goals necessary to reverse the effects of global warming, it still wouldn’t convince his ex-wife Allison Thompson to change her mind and come home to him.

Leach explained that if the planet did succeed in limiting global warming levels to 1.5 degrees Celsius, averting an increased risk of extreme weather, drought and poverty, it would have no effect on helping Allison realize that he really does appreciate her, and is ready to provide the kind of emotional support that he has been too distracted and distant to provide over the last few years.

“A lot of people ask me: ‘What can I do to help?’” said Leach. “To combat global warming? Stop eating meat, take public transit, fight for an end to fracking. To convince Allison that I’m the same caring and sensitive man she married that sunny, crystal-clear June day twenty-four years ago? Nothing. She changed her number.”

Leach added that the only thing more depressing than Earth rapidly becoming uninhabitable is the notion of having to re-enter the dating scene at his age. “Obviously, I understand why people would want a safer, healthier planet, but if that means having more time to search fruitlessly for someone who can tolerate my presence for more than a few minutes, I’d rather have the seas rise and drown us all right now.”

The post Top Climatologist Says Reversing Global Warming Won’t Bring His Ex-Wife Allison Back, So Who Cares? appeared first on dnatured journal.