Though he has dedicated his life to studying how poverty can cause depression and anxiety,  psychology professor Dr. Henry Bashir says he still cannot understand why the graduate students in his department, who survive on a small monthly stipend, keep reporting that they are existentially sad.

“The alarming rates at which grad students are seeking our non-existent mental health resources has been difficult on academic institutions,” said one anonymous student Dean. “We have instructed several highly paid Principal Investigators to figure out the students’ difficulties, though none of them have figured out the root cause so far.”

Dr. Bashir noticed his grad students showed classical signs of the disorder but couldn’t seem to figure out why. “I don’t see what could be missing from their lives,” stated Dr. Bashir, who recently asked a student to work over the weekend to finish a paper on burn-out. 

“My best guess is that they feel entitled to some reward that they haven’t earned, so they feel bitter and disappointed with scraps that are perfectly reasonable,” reflected Dr. Bashir, who gets free housing from the university. “Maybe they should try practicing gratitude.” 

Grad student Sarah Baker, when prompted for her own point of gratitude paused, then said “I like the journal club because sometimes there are free snacks.” 

“I actually stay after everyone leaves and collect the pastry crumbs to feed graduate students in other departments,” remarked Baker.

Some younger researchers in the field say the root cause of graduate student depression is obvious. 

“The grad stipend hasn’t changed in the last twenty years and living costs have skyrocketed by 350%” said one researcher. “It’s like, duh.” 

When asked if this may play a factor in the student’s mood, the University president Dr. Alima Sindhu said, “we have taken the necessary steps to mitigate this change, such as making filter coffee available in the lab kitchen for free, so I don’t believe this plays a role.”

It seems that, as with most scientific questions, solving a problem like this will require more research.

The post Professor Studying The Effects Of Poverty On Depression Still Can’t Figure Out Why His Grad Students Are So Unhappy appeared first on dnatured journal.

After weeks of devastating Mountain Dew flooding forced millions of gut bacteria from their homes, the microbial council inside adult man Kevin Meyer have declared a state of emergency and are asking for help to convince Kevin to please have a glass of water or something.  

“Green is not always good!” and “Don’t do the Dew!” chants were heard echoing through Kevin’s digestive tract as the gut microbes tried to send messages to the brain. But Mountain Dew levels continued to rise to levels not seen since Halo 3 was released. “It was horrific,” said one bacterium, “the flood waters washed away my entire colony down this  rancid monsoon. We’re hungry, we’re tired, and we’re very sticky.”

The microbial council’s mayor, Angus Guteri, asked the bacteria to stay patient as officials work diligently to improve the situation. 

“I know morale isn’t high, trust has been lost in the brain’s craving centre, but we have to believe that we can turn this around.” The mayor urged bacteria to limit travel and to not hoard fibre. “We are regularly sending communications to Kevin’s brain to end the Dew flooding and provide shipments of nutrients.”

“This one is worse than the Great Floods of 2007,” confessed one bacterium, “I was eavesdropping on some neurotransmitters and heard the words “pandemic” and “animal crossing” and I just don’t know why those two things mean so much Mountain Dew.”

The bacterium says the only day worse than that was when Kevin, too tired to walk to the bathroom after a full day of Halo, urinated in an empty Mountain Dew bottle, forgot that he had done that, and almost immediately took a sip.

“It was like, we already digested this!!!” said the microbe. “Did we miss any essential nutrients in the Dew that first time, Kevin???”

As the mayor frantically sends messages up the vagus nerve to the brain, gut bacteria on strike are threatening to induce vomiting if effective action isn’t taken immediately. 

The post Gut Bacteria Declare State Of Emergency After Record-Breaking Mountain Dew Floods appeared first on dnatured journal.