Hascalovitz, A.C., Island, J., Singh, A., Springer, D., Ito, R., Graham, L. et al
After weeks of devastating Mountain Dew flooding forced millions of gut bacteria from their homes, the microbial council inside adult man Kevin Meyer have declared a state of emergency and are asking for help to convince Kevin to please have a glass of water or something.
“Green is not always good!” and “Don’t do the Dew!” chants were heard echoing through Kevin’s digestive tract as the gut microbes tried to send messages to the brain. But Mountain Dew levels continued to rise to levels not seen since Halo 3 was released. “It was horrific,” said one bacterium, “the flood waters washed away my entire colony down this rancid monsoon. We’re hungry, we’re tired, and we’re very sticky.”
The microbial council’s mayor, Angus Guteri, asked the bacteria to stay patient as officials work diligently to improve the situation.
“I know morale isn’t high, trust has been lost in the brain’s craving centre, but we have to believe that we can turn this around.” The mayor urged bacteria to limit travel and to not hoard fibre. “We are regularly sending communications to Kevin’s brain to end the Dew flooding and provide shipments of nutrients.”
“This one is worse than the Great Floods of 2007,” confessed one bacterium, “I was eavesdropping on some neurotransmitters and heard the words “pandemic” and “animal crossing” and I just don’t know why those two things mean so much Mountain Dew.”
The bacterium says the only day worse than that was when Kevin, too tired to walk to the bathroom after a full day of Halo, urinated in an empty Mountain Dew bottle, forgot that he had done that, and almost immediately took a sip.
“It was like, we already digested this!!!” said the microbe. “Did we miss any essential nutrients in the Dew that first time, Kevin???”
As the mayor frantically sends messages up the vagus nerve to the brain, gut bacteria on strike are threatening to induce vomiting if effective action isn’t taken immediately.