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Health Inspector Deeply Unsettled By Lab’s “Do Not Microwave Fish, Curry, Or Aromatic Hydrocarbons” Note

June 16, 2019

“I worry that the inclusion of “aromatic hydrocarbons” implies the issue was mostly due to their strong smell, and not the extremely high risk of cancer.”

Op-Ed by Thomas Dolby: I’m Embarrassed to Admit That She Didn’t Blind Me With Science, I Blinded Myself By Staring Into the Sun During a Solar Eclipse

June 11, 2019

The woman in question did not blind me with science. Rather, despite her repeated warnings against it, I blinded myself by staring directly into the sun during a solar eclipse.

Neanderthals Who Mated With Humans Less Than 40,000 Years Ago Really Hated Being Called “Exotic”

June 4, 2019

Early humans would commonly call their Neanderthal sexual partners “exotic,” apparently believing that was somehow an okay thing to say.

Nutritionists Admit Every Vitamin Beyond “C” Totally Made Up

May 31, 2019

“We were facing a tough quarter, and we needed a revenue booster, and someone suggested Vitamin D as a joke”

Leading Source Of Global Warming Revealed To Be Your Ex-Wife Looking Hot As Hell Since The Divorce

May 28, 2019

Scientists warn Shelley could get so hot that she becomes a realtor, or a pharmaceutical rep.

Ruh-Roh! Laika, The Russian Dog Who Was Launched Into And Abandoned In Space, Is Coming Back… And She’s Pissed!

May 28, 2019

You might not remember when Russia launched Laika into space in 1957 and left her for dead. But Laika remembers.

Great White Shark Acknowledges Its Great White Privilege

May 23, 2019

“I can swim into any ocean and not be questioned about whether or not I belong”

Nation’s Dads Announce That Depression Can Be Treated By Snapping The Hell Out Of It And Not Feeling So Damn Sorry For Yourself

May 14, 2019

Dads everywhere took time out from reading the paper in front of a muted 24-hour news broadcast to announce that you have no reason to be sad given how good you have it here in in this country, you ingrate.

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