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Healthy Diet Linked To 100% Of Painfully Long And Joyless Lifespans

July 11, 2019

“If you want the satisfaction of having outlived virtually all of your friends and family, be sure to eat only fruit, vegetables, nuts, leafy greens and water.”

High School Student Decides To Major In Engineering After Getting 83% One Time In Physics

July 8, 2019

“83% is a decent enough mark to base the rest of my life on.”

Scientists Say The Ocean Now Contains So Much Plastic That We Should Call It “The Plastic” And Be Happy With How Much Ocean It Contains

July 2, 2019

Since it’s mostly plastic at this point, maybe we just give up on calling it The Ocean

Health Inspector Deeply Unsettled By Lab’s “Do Not Microwave Fish, Curry, Or Aromatic Hydrocarbons” Note

June 16, 2019

“I worry that the inclusion of “aromatic hydrocarbons” implies the issue was mostly due to their strong smell, and not the extremely high risk of cancer.”

17-Year-Old Lab Student Somehow Trusted With Two-Million Dollar Machine

May 5, 2019

“I only read the pre-lab five minutes ago, I don’t know how this thing works at all. It’s the size of a rhino and apparently pretty fragile.”

Lab Techniques To Hide Your Tears After Another Failed Experiment

May 2, 2019

While bawling can be a cathartic experience, the laboratory is, of course, no place for human emotions.

Paranoid Mother Keeps Child On Leash For 9 Months

July 1, 2019

“That kid will never learn how to get nutrients for itself if Cheryl keeps this up.”

Teens At House Party Caught Getting Vaccinated Out Of Their Fucking Minds

June 26, 2019

“We knew something was up when we saw used hypodermic needles all over the lawn,” said police spokeswoman Carol O’Rourke.

Sexism In Science? This Solar Panel Doesn’t Have A Single Woman On It

June 24, 2019

Critics are taking aim at the solar industry after an investigation revealed that no woman has ever spoken on any of the world’s solar panels.

Alcoholic Goldfish Drinks To Forget Harrowing Last Four Seconds

June 20, 2019

“Trust me, you don’t need to remember more than four seconds back to figure out that existence is suffering”

Health Inspector Deeply Unsettled By Lab’s “Do Not Microwave Fish, Curry, Or Aromatic Hydrocarbons” Note

June 16, 2019

“I worry that the inclusion of “aromatic hydrocarbons” implies the issue was mostly due to their strong smell, and not the extremely high risk of cancer.”

Neanderthals Who Mated With Humans Less Than 40,000 Years Ago Really Hated Being Called “Exotic”

June 4, 2019

Early humans would commonly call their Neanderthal sexual partners “exotic,” apparently believing that was somehow an okay thing to say.

Nutritionists Admit Every Vitamin Beyond “C” Totally Made Up

May 31, 2019

“We were facing a tough quarter, and we needed a revenue booster, and someone suggested Vitamin D as a joke”

Leading Source Of Global Warming Revealed To Be Your Ex-Wife Looking Hot As Hell Since The Divorce

May 28, 2019

Scientists warn Shelley could get so hot that she becomes a realtor, or a pharmaceutical rep.

Ruh-Roh! Laika, The Russian Dog Who Was Launched Into And Abandoned In Space, Is Coming Back… And She’s Pissed!

May 28, 2019

You might not remember when Russia launched Laika into space in 1957 and left her for dead. But Laika remembers.

Great White Shark Acknowledges Its Great White Privilege

May 23, 2019

“I can swim into any ocean and not be questioned about whether or not I belong”

Nation’s Dads Announce That Depression Can Be Treated By Snapping The Hell Out Of It And Not Feeling So Damn Sorry For Yourself

May 14, 2019

Dads everywhere took time out from reading the paper in front of a muted 24-hour news broadcast to announce that you have no reason to be sad given how good you have it here in in this country, you ingrate.

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