“They definitely worked on their upper bodies, but their legs are like a bundle of pine needles.”
she has now diagnosed as many mental illnesses in the past month that would take a trained psychologist at least a decade
“If you want the satisfaction of having outlived virtually all of your friends and family, be sure to eat only fruit, vegetables, nuts, leafy greens and water.”
“83% is a decent enough mark to base the rest of my life on.”
Since it’s mostly plastic at this point, maybe we just give up on calling it The Ocean
“I worry that the inclusion of “aromatic hydrocarbons” implies the issue was mostly due to their strong smell, and not the extremely high risk of cancer.”
“I only read the pre-lab five minutes ago, I don’t know how this thing works at all. It’s the size of a rhino and apparently pretty fragile.”
While bawling can be a cathartic experience, the laboratory is, of course, no place for human emotions.
“That kid will never learn how to get nutrients for itself if Cheryl keeps this up.”
“We knew something was up when we saw used hypodermic needles all over the lawn,” said police spokeswoman Carol O’Rourke.
Critics are taking aim at the solar industry after an investigation revealed that no woman has ever spoken on any of the world’s solar panels.
“Trust me, you don’t need to remember more than four seconds back to figure out that existence is suffering”
Early humans would commonly call their Neanderthal sexual partners “exotic,” apparently believing that was somehow an okay thing to say.
“We were facing a tough quarter, and we needed a revenue booster, and someone suggested Vitamin D as a joke”
Scientists warn Shelley could get so hot that she becomes a realtor, or a pharmaceutical rep.
You might not remember when Russia launched Laika into space in 1957 and left her for dead. But Laika remembers.
“I can swim into any ocean and not be questioned about whether or not I belong”
Dads everywhere took time out from reading the paper in front of a muted 24-hour news broadcast to announce that you have no reason to be sad given how good you have it here in in this country, you ingrate.
While there were no casualties, all staff agreed they’d rather die in a real volcano than have to see another baking soda one.
“We now ask that each new applicant to Heaven comes prepared to show their vaccination records.”
Microbiologist Dr. Leila Chu has dazzled once again with her new biofilm “The Growth of Pathogenic Pseudomonas aeruginosa On Hospital Catheters”
“I started to realize I wasn’t just catching a cold, I was catching feels.”
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