Experimental Psychology Professor Assigns 500 Page Essay On Sleep Deprivation Due Tomorrow

Graham, L. et al

Students at a local university were left reeling when famed experimental psychologist Dr. Evan Lowry surprised them with a massive 500-page research paper on the effects of sleep deprivation, and then explained that it due the next morning’s class.

While students complained about the effects on their health, Dr. Lowry says he has no regrets.

“I’m a researcher first and foremost,” said Dr. Lowry, “Why would I waste this formidable opportunity to obtain a massive amount of such useful data?”

Only one student, Miranda Kim-Smith, has ever gotten above a 0% on the assignment, which Dr. Lowry has been assigning for the past eight years as part of his academic research.

“I got three whole publications out of Miranda’s research paper alone,” laughed Dr. Lowry. “Her immersive stream of consciousness really challenged a lot of our past assumptions. I’ll be doing a TED Talk on it later this month.”

Kim doesn’t think of the assignment as positively as her old professor, however.

“That asshole only gave me 5% after I spent twelve straight hours on that sleep deprivation assignment,” said a disgruntled Kim, who said she was so tired after that slept through one of her midterms. “He put that in his stupid paper too!” she said, disgusted.

Asked if it was ethical to force sleep deprivation on students, Dr. Lowry paused. “My colleagues in Engineering do more or less the same thing with those labs and assignments, why should I be singled out?”

The worst part, say former students of Dr. Lowry, is that after they submit the paper at their 9 a.m. class, he gives them a pop quiz on yesterday’s homework.

“Easiest batch of data I’ve ever gotten,” said Dr. Lowry.

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About Author

Lexa Graham

Lexa Graham is a comedian with a Master’s degree in Chemical Engineering, and the founder and editor of DNAtured Journal. She has previously written for Reductress, CBC Comedy and also had her research published in The Canadian Journal of Chemical Engineering. You can follow her on Twitter @LexaGrammar.

About Lexa Graham 117 Articles
Lexa Graham is a comedian with a Master’s degree in Chemical Engineering, and the founder and editor of DNAtured Journal. She has previously written for Reductress, CBC Comedy and also had her research published in The Canadian Journal of Chemical Engineering. You can follow her on Twitter @LexaGrammar.