Ito, R. et al
Nobel Prize-winning physicist Cameron Andrews has been found after his disappearance 18 months ago, claiming to have been held captive by a grad student obsessed with his work on string theory. Andrews says nursing student Ivana Billes supposedly rescued him from a car crash, but quickly turned violent after reading the abstract for his next paper.
“I had wiped out off the highway and she took me to a cabin out in the woods to treat my broken legs,” Andrews said in a rare interview about the ordeal. “She said was a big fan and was dying to know what I was working on next. I had no idea she would freak out about me shifting my focus from particle displacement to quantum gravity, but she burned my research paper right on the spot!”
The next few days, Andrews was made to write a sequel to his acclaimed thesis by Billes, who told no one of his whereabouts and made it clear he would not be released until the paper was submitted and peer-reviewed by her exclusively. “I tried telling her that I couldn’t, that my conclusion was pretty much proven beyond a doubt and that we wouldn’t have been able to get funding. That’s when she broke my ankle with a sledgehammer.”
Despite the terror of his captivity, Andrews admits that his productivity was never been higher. “You’d be amazed how easy it is to stay motivated during a research project when it’s very clear the board plans to kill you if you don’t produce results. Plus, the supercollider she had set up in her basement was actually pretty impressive.”
“Miss Billes was certainly a bright and resourceful young woman. If only she had applied her devious and unethical mind to her studies, she could have had a bright career in medical science instead of me having to cave her head in with the typewriter she had me working on.”
In related news, a professor who reportedly chained up students and forced them to complete overdue assignments has been cleared of all charges after the supposed victims confirmed that’s just the only way they can focus on schoolwork.