Graham, L. et al.
After a 2018 study found that 83% of wild mammals and 50% of plants have vanished in the last few millennia, scientists are now debating whether the current mass extinction is being caused by humans, or if it’s just God rapturing all his lil besties back to the kingdom of heaven.
Despite numerous studies showing that human activity is having a devastating effect on the survival of many species, climatologists wanted to verify their claims with the one divine being capable of setting the record straight, God. To their surprise, God was forthcoming about the “reverse Noah’s Ark” situation.
“Ok fine yes, I have done some light manipulations in order to increase the biodiversity in the Kingdom of Heaven,” admitted God.
“Sixty-six million years ago, there was this cool stegosaurus I wanted to hang out with,” said God. “So I threw this teensy little fireball down to Earth, right on top of him, like in your Pokemon Go game. Unfortunately I didn’t know my own strength at the time and soon Heaven was overrun with three quarters of the Earth’s plants and animals.”
This event, which scientists have named the Cretaceous–Tertiary extinction, took a toll on God.
“Ugh, it was super boring to watch, there was soot everywhere. Worse than watching Earth defrost after an ice age,” sighed God. “Now I try to take my time with extinctions.”
But in the past 100 years, God grew tired of watching the destruction humans kept inflicting on such a precious biosphere, and has decided to confiscate some of Earth’s greatest ecological hits.
“It’s like, fine, you wanna give subsidies to polluters and continue trashing the coral reefs I spent hours crafting?” said God. “Then no more toasted koala bears for you.”