Vengeful Gods Growing Increasingly Frustrated That Climate Change Receiving All The Credit For Their Wrath And Smiting

Ito, R. et al.

A recent survey across major world pantheons has found an increased level of frustration among deities who feel that many of their divine punishments and afflictions on mankind are being falsely attributed to the state of the environment.

“It’s incredibly rude,” said Poseidon, Olympian god of the sea. “You’d all rather blame something insignificant like greenhouse gases or melting polar ice caps for the rising sea levels. Did it never occur to you that I’m just punishing you for wanton greed and defiling the planet? Maybe if you made an offering to me, I’d spare you from this global flood, but nobody thought to do that, did they?” 

Other deities have taken offence to the anthropocentric view of the climate crisis. 

“Seriously? You people think you put that hole in the ozone layer?” asked Quetzalcoatl, the Mesoamerican god of air. “Next you’re going to tell me that you’re going to create a sun. Get off your high horse, offer me some animal sacrifices and maybe I’ll stop setting the world on fire.”

Despite these feelings, no pantheon has taken credit for the environmental crisis entirely. “Look, we don’t have a god of plastic in Olympus,” said Poseidon. “Great Pacific garbage patch? All you guys. But that lightning bolt that killed a guy last week? That was us.”

According to the survey, popular opinion is that recent instances of divine wrath have been too subtle. Experts theorize the next attempt by the gods to get mankind to repent will be either be a rain of blood, causing birds to fly into windows intentionally, or releasing the Kraken to speak at the next climate change summit.  

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