Marshall, A. et al
Climate scientists are now SCREAMING that the Earth is 100% that bitch, ready to go full fire emoji on all of humanity because we just could not stop pumping her full of pollution! Go AWF🔥🔥🔥! Data projections indicate that Mama Earth is heating up sewww hard that we should french-tuck in for a century full of hot girl summers, monsoon girl springs, drought girl autumns, and famine girl winters!
“Listen, we’ve been gassing up Earth on carbon dioxide for a hundred years,” said climatologist Dr. Sue Nami, “she ain’t about to go back to her drab old ice age lewks just cuz you bought like, one metal straw! Get ready to be cancelled straight into the rising sea, hunty!”
Described as an “ice queen” as recently as 12,000 years ago, scientists fear Earth’s temperature will soon reach a point where she will be classified as a PILFF; a Planet I Lowkey Fear For.
And studies show they are right to be afraid! Since her recent 👑kween👑house gas fuelled makeover, the Earth has been absolutely KILLING IT across the globe, with death tolls from climate change estimated at 250,000 per year and rising.
“I knew it was game-over once she got that fierce ozone wig from the Montreal Protocol and started contouring her ice caps,” said marine drag-ologist Oral Reef. “At this rate, she’ll get everybody wet by 2050!”
Earth’s recent glow up has also caused a series of forest fires, says ecologist Dr. Mass ExTwinkShawn, who warns that if we don’t make real efforts to preserve animal habitats, “many species will simply sashay away.”
But lead climate scientist Dr. Glow Ball Warming says that there is still time to act. “If you don’t want Earth to death drop our entire ecosystem, you absolutely must start to kiki with your state and local governments, and help change their environmental policies from busted to dusted!”