Clinically Depressed Man Can’t Wait to Return to Pre-COVID Lifestyle of Avoiding Human Contact and Rarely Leaving Home

Springer, D. et al

36-year-old Don Early, who has battled depression for the past twenty years, announced today that he is “completely fed up” with the quarantine and social-distancing efforts he has had to undertake over the last ten months as a cautionary measure against the spread of the coronavirus, and that he cannot wait to return to his pre-COVID routine of not seeing other human beings and spending most of his time at home.

“The loneliness and isolation are really getting to me,” Early confided, gazing wistfully out his bedroom window at a local bar, The Frog and Scorpion, that he never frequented even before the initial outbreak of COVID last March. “The pandemic has really disrupted a lot of the social customs and rituals that brought joy to my life.” 

When asked what those rituals were, Early gave a long pause before finally offering, “Watching Netflix at home… but, like, not in a… sad way.”

Early added that he particularly missed being able to see his family, who live in a small town three hours away, in person. “It sucks only being able to see them over Zoom or on the phone,” he lamented. 

Sources say that three weeks before lockdown began, Early had backed out of visiting his grandparents, telling his parents that he was far too busy with readings for his part-time welding program at a local community college to spare two hours to visit them. 

In reality, Early spent the day watching old Unsolved Mysteries episodes on YouTube. 

At press time, Early expressed a longing to return to considering visiting the parks, museums and bars in his area before ultimately spending the day in bed.

Get access to more dnatured

Support Darren Springer on Patreon and get more dnatured perks starting from just $1.00

About Author

Darren Springer

Darren Springer is a writer living in Toronto who has been published in Splitsider, CBC Comedy, and bite.ca. He can also be found at darrendspringer.bandcamp.com

About Darren Springer 18 Articles
Darren Springer is a writer living in Toronto who has been published in Splitsider, CBC Comedy, and bite.ca. He can also be found at darrendspringer.bandcamp.com