Lahoda, A.H. et al
Amidst ongoing complaints that students and educators are struggling in a virtual classroom setting, one Biology teacher in Buttzville, N.J. is grappling with a different problem: “I genuinely thought RNA stood for Really Nice Ass,” confessed David Keister, “so you can imagine how confused I’ve been these last few months.”
Keister, a first year teacher, says he doesn’t remember anyone ever clarifying that RNA meant ribonucleic acid in class, but he may know why. “On the way to my freshman Genes, Genomes & Genetics class one day, I was rear-ended and ended up missing that lecture. I have to assume that’s when the professor explained RNA to the class,” Keister shrugged.
“By the following day, we’d moved past the basics to RNA genome replication, and I thought we were talking about how Really Nice Asses are genetically replicated! Because, you know, you never see someone with a nice ass whose sibling doesn’t have an equally impressive derriere. Seems awfully genetic to me!”
Aware his explanation sounds far-fetched, Keister persisted. “To clarify, I wasn’t just flying by the seat of my pants in college. I do know what ribonucleic acid is; I just never connected the dots. I read about it in my textbooks and even wrote a research paper on the topic. I swear, I earned my degree and this teaching job.” But now his job security is in question.
According to his department head, Hilda Rump, Keister is usually a wonderful teacher. “Mr. Keister handled this whole global pandemic and virtual learning situation beautifully for a first year educator, and he even worked Sars-Cov-2 into his lectures. But after his lesson about the science behind the COVID vaccine, I received an onslaught of emails from furious parents reporting his ‘inappropriate language.’ It seems he thought the mRNA vaccine stood for Moderna’s Really Nice Ass vaccine.” Despite this incident, however, Rump says she believes Keister’s story, “although he’ll need to create a brand-spanking-new lesson plan before returning to his Zoom classroom.”
For his part, the apologetic Keister is excited to resume teaching. “I can’t wait to teach my students about the key to life: DNA.” He paused, furrowing his brow. “DNA does stand for Doubly Nice Ass… right?”