How To Power Through A Pandemic Because Capitalism Demands It

Crooks, T., Graham, L. et al

Are you a “valued” employee without paid sick leave because your company thinks your health is worth the risk if a few dollars could be made? Does the rise of a deadly and extremely communicable disease make your boss think, “yeah, but what if we stayed open?” Do your managers think “social distancing” and “flattening the curve” are elitist fads for the weak?

Here are some tips for surviving your capitalist hellhole!

Take Preventative Measures

Use your weekly wages to purchase three pumps of hand sanitizer and ration it accordingly.

Generate Extra Income

Are you a server who doesn’t even get paid minimum wage, let alone paid sick days? Get some extra cash by coughing into the communal tip jar until no one else is desperate enough to take it!

Include The Whole Family

When your child’s school closes due to “suspected exposure,” make every day Bring Your Sick Kid To Work Day!

Take A “Trip”

While travelling is out of the question, if you have advanced symptoms and can’t afford a hospital visit, time your next loss of consciousness for your workplace’s most public area. The resulting workers compensation lawsuit may get you the paid sick leave you deserve!

Respect Your Supervisor’s Decision

Finally, if you have no choice but to come in to work sick, shake hands with your supervisor early and often to underline your undying commitment to maximizing value for shareholders.

Note: This article is a follow up to our previous guide, How To Power Through Seasonal Depression Because Capitalism Demands It

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About Author

Lexa Graham

Lexa Graham is a comedian with a Master’s degree in Chemical Engineering, and the founder and editor of DNAtured Journal. She has previously written for Reductress, CBC Comedy and also had her research published in The Canadian Journal of Chemical Engineering. You can follow her on Twitter @LexaGrammar.

Taylor Crooks

Taylor Crooks is a PhD student at the University of Minnesota studying microbiology and why microbes just always have to fuck everything up in our bodies.

About Lexa Graham 99 Articles
Lexa Graham is a comedian with a Master’s degree in Chemical Engineering, and the founder and editor of DNAtured Journal. She has previously written for Reductress, CBC Comedy and also had her research published in The Canadian Journal of Chemical Engineering. You can follow her on Twitter @LexaGrammar.