Alcoholic Goldfish Drinks To Forget Harrowing Last Four Seconds

Island, J. et al.

A depressed goldfish has friends worried after continually resorting to substance abuse in order to drown out the pain of the previous four seconds.

“Trust me, you don’t need to remember more than four seconds back to figure out that existence is suffering” bubbled Orangey Goldfish III from inside his fish bowl, sipping whiskey from a tiny, adorable, and physics-defying open bottle. “I’ve dealt with depression and suicidal thoughts for as far back as I can remember, which again, is about four seconds.”

Despite Orangey’s relatively short memory, there are signs that this sort of thing has been going on for some time now. A lab test concluded 12% of the water in Orangey’s fish bowl is composed of fish tears [1]. The search also turned up several unfinished poems, all titled “My Bowl, My Prison” and featuring the single line “Don’t wanna live to be an OLD fish.”

But just what is it Orangey is trying to forget? “A girl,” he told us, downing another shot of liquor. “She was my treasure chest, so bubbly… I thought we’d be together forever. But then… I turned around for one second, and she was immediately ripped away from me by my lack of object permanence.”

At press time, with the support of his friends and family, Orangey has checked himself into the Pebbles Rehab Centre For Fish Alcoholism [2].

If you, or someone you love, are a goldfish suffering from alcoholism, please contact us so we can take a cute photo of you for our Drink Like A Fish contest on Instagram.

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About Author

Lexa Graham

Lexa Graham is a comedian with a Master’s degree in Chemical Engineering, and the founder and editor of DNAtured Journal. She has previously written for Reductress, CBC Comedy and also had her research published in The Canadian Journal of Chemical Engineering. You can follow her on Twitter @LexaGrammar.