Fay, C. et al.
In an announcement which stands to turn the billion-dollar vitamin and supplement industry on its head, the National Association of Certified Nutritionists (NACN) have revealed that every vitamin from D to Z does not actually exist and was invented as a practical (read: revenue-generating) joke.
NACN spokesperson Cathryn Zdarsky confirmed that while vitamins A, B and C are real and absolutely essential to the proper functioning of the human metabolism, vitamins D, E, and K do jack shit for your health.
“We were facing a tough quarter, and we needed a revenue booster,” said Zdarsky. “Someone suggested Vitamin D as a joke, and it’s like, where would you even get Vitamin D from? We’ve already covered everything in meat, fish, dairy, grains, fruits and vegetables.”
“But then they were like ‘I dunno, sunshine and mushrooms?’ and we thought that was fucking hysterical, so we slipped it on the list too. When no one got the joke we realized we could get away with almost anything. That really opened the floodgates.”
Vitamins K and E (more commonly referred to by nutritionists as the “bullshit vitamins”), followed quickly but vitamins F through J were found to be too ridiculous and would likely alert the public to the ruse.
“Vitamin G was supposed to be the “moonlight vitamin”, whose deficiency caused rapid hair growth, fangs, and increased vocal range, aka werewolf-ism,” said Zdarsky, “thankfully vitamin E took off instead.”
Zdarsky apologized on behalf of all nutritionists for any confusion or mistrust the joke may have caused.
