Nutritionists Admit Every Vitamin Beyond “C” Totally Made Up

Fay, C. et al.

In an announcement which stands to turn the billion-dollar vitamin and supplement industry on its head, the National Association of Certified Nutritionists (NACN) have revealed that every vitamin from D to Z does not actually exist and was invented as a practical (read: revenue-generating) joke.

NACN spokesperson Cathryn Zdarsky confirmed that while vitamins A, B and C are real and absolutely essential to the proper functioning of the human metabolism, vitamins D, E, and K do jack shit for your health.

“We were facing a tough quarter, and we needed a revenue booster,” said Zdarsky. “Someone suggested Vitamin D as a joke, and it’s like, where would you even get Vitamin D from? We’ve already covered everything in meat, fish, dairy, grains, fruits and vegetables.”

“But then they were like ‘I dunno, sunshine and mushrooms?’ and we thought that was fucking hysterical, so we slipped it on the list too. When no one got the joke we realized we could get away with almost anything. That really opened the floodgates.”

Vitamins K and E (more commonly referred to by nutritionists as the “bullshit vitamins”), followed quickly but vitamins F through J were found to be too ridiculous and would likely alert the public to the ruse.

“Vitamin G was supposed to be the “moonlight vitamin”, whose deficiency caused rapid hair growth, fangs, and increased vocal range, aka werewolf-ism,” said Zdarsky, “thankfully vitamin E took off instead.”

Zdarsky apologized on behalf of all nutritionists for any confusion or mistrust the joke may have caused.

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About Author

Craig Fay

Craig Fay is a Toronto based engineer turned stand up comedian and host of The Villain Was Right podcast. His debut comedy album “Helicopter Rich” was praised as “observational and self-reflective…worth playing multiple times over” and is available on iTunes and Spotify.

Lexa Graham

Lexa Graham is a comedian with a Master’s degree in Chemical Engineering, and the founder and editor of DNAtured Journal. She has previously written for Reductress, CBC Comedy and also had her research published in The Canadian Journal of Chemical Engineering. You can follow her on Twitter @LexaGrammar.

About Craig Fay 7 Articles
Craig Fay is a Toronto based engineer turned stand up comedian and host of The Villain Was Right podcast. His debut comedy album “Helicopter Rich” was praised as “observational and self-reflective…worth playing multiple times over” and is available on iTunes and Spotify.