Springer, D. et al.
Climatologists have determined that the main contributor to global warming is not greenhouse gas emissions, as previously thought, but rather your ex-wife Shelley looking finer than ever since you guys got divorced .
A report issued by the Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change (IPCC) concluded that a dramatic decline in Arctic sea ice and a resulting rise in sea levels can be directly linked to the consistent workout regiment Shelley has adhered to ever since you moved out, which has heated up both her dating life and the globe’s climate .
The IPCC report also states that Shelley’s decision to start dressing with more flair, along with her general aura of recent freedom, has led to an increase in monsoons, wildfires, and traffic accidents caused by drivers not watching the road because they’re too distracted by the her goddamn glow up. If left unchecked, they warn Shelley could get so hot that she becomes a realtor or a pharmaceutical rep .
The report’s authors added that in a few months’ time, assuming the world’s cities are still intact from the effects of Shelley’s rediscovered sexual magnetism, they were wondering if maybe, if it was OK with you, they could take Shelley out for dinner or something, because she is a free agent after all, and it’s not like she’s your property anyway, they just figured it’d be more thoughtful to ask you first.