Scientists Confirm Sex With A Neanderthal Would Have Been Fucking Mind-blowing

Whittle, J. et al

After years of painstaking research, Neanderthal expert Dr. Samantha Workman and her team at the University of Victoria have confirmed what we’ve all suspected; that mating with a Neanderthal would have been absolutely bonkers good.

“Well, it’s simple really,” said Dr. Workman, “based on their stamina and their ability to use tools, the sex must have been amazing. Also, they were almost certainly cuddlers, based on those deep, brown eyes…”

Dr. Workman trailed off, seemingly lost in thought for 30 seconds before snapping back into it.

“I mean, before we discovered that humans and Neanderthals interbred, no one had ever even considered what sex with a Neanderthall was like,” explained Dr. Workman. “But the more I lay awake thinking about it, the harder I needed answers.” 

Eventually, Dr. Workman got her hands on Engis, the skeletal remains of a Neanderthal who died over 400,000 years ago. But she paid a high price.

“No one would give me any funding after I won Engis at an artifact auction, but I didn’t mind,” said Dr. Workman. “Whenever I couldn’t afford dinner, I’d just think about his large muscly arms holding me and I’d immediately feel full.” 

When she finally got Engis to her lab to measure his hip-to-femur ratio, she was asstounded.

“Engis scored a perfect 1.62 on the Workman Index,” said Dr. Workman, who explained that the Workman Index is something she made up to determine a man’s ‘thrust depth’ based on ‘horny math.’ Though his is the first one she’s tested, she’s confident he’d never be bested.

“I’m thrilled with my progress thus far,” said Dr. Workman, “and I’m willing to go all the way.”

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About Author

Joseph Whittle

Joseph Whittle is a Canadian comic and sketch writer. He can be seen performing on various shows all over Toronto. You can follow Joseph on Twitter at @josephswhittle

About Joseph Whittle 3 Articles
Joseph Whittle is a Canadian comic and sketch writer. He can be seen performing on various shows all over Toronto. You can follow Joseph on Twitter at @josephswhittle