Scientists Agree To Only Play God With Lifeforms That Were Likely To Worship Them Anyways

Ito, R. et al

In a rare uncontested decision, the International Research Ethics Committee has passed a new guideline on hubris-filled experiments, stating that such projects can only be carried on lifeforms that wouldn’t see any real difference between the researchers and an all-powerful being. 

“The general interpretation is that if you’re going to have a God complex, you need to be able to back it up to your subjects,” said microbiologist Shigeru Honda. “For instance, take these prehistoric bacteria I dug up on the seafloor and then reanimated. I essentially performed a miracle for them, and miracles are never subject to ethical concerns.”

Despite the discord between religion and science, most scientists are finding it fairly easy to insert themselves into the spirituality of their test subjects. “First, all I had to do was genetically engineer a few rats to have higher intelligence,” said University of Cambridge lab technician Doreen Westgren. “Then I infect them with some viral samples, cure them of it, and the result? Instant God status. Sometimes you get to play God, and the devil.”

Some self-made deities are encountering new issues brought by the new procedures. “I made a crop of sentient ferns, but then some of them started a cult that worshipped the gardener. So I had to dispose of the infidels,” said Steven Walters, newly named God of Botany at the University of Toronto. “Can’t have them worshipping any false idols aside from the one that actually did the work.”

At press time, a number of research journals have released a statement that they will not be accepting projects that are being submitted on stone tablets.

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Rob Ito

Rob Ito is a Canadian satirist, comedian and writer. He has previously written for the Beaverton and appears in shows all around Toronto regularly. You can follow Rob on Twitter at @theFakeRobIto.

About Rob Ito 20 Articles
Rob Ito is a Canadian satirist, comedian and writer. He has previously written for the Beaverton and appears in shows all around Toronto regularly. You can follow Rob on Twitter at @theFakeRobIto.