Lazovich, T. et al
With schools reopening haphazardly in the midst of a viral pandemic, scholars have released new revisions to the laws of physics for immediate release.
Newton’s First Law
A principal at rest will stay at rest unless acted on by questions about how it’s possible to socially distance 30 students in a small room.
Heisenberg’s Uncertainty Principle
The timing and duration of a classroom’s reopening cannot be measured simultaneously.
Pascal’s Law
When pressure is applied to a school board to re-open despite a lack of resources, it is transmitted to every teacher without loss.
Law Of Conservation Of Energy
A teacher’s energy (to simultaneously provide both in-class and online learning) cannot be created or destroyed (even if parents and school boards demand it).
Second Law of Thermodynamics
The total entropy of a student’s distractions will increase over time, especially on Zoom calls.
Newton’s Second Law
Once a principal is prodded into action by teacher and parent complaints, they will flail about wildly and indecisively before landing on the same non-plan they started with.
Hooke’s Law
The burnout level of teachers is directly proportional to the amount of tension they experience (which is infinite).
Inverse Square Law
A teacher’s anxiety is inversely proportional to the distance from their unmasked students, squared.
Gauss’s Law
The net flow of faculty to the hospital is proportional to the number of students allowed in a classroom.
Newton’s Third Law
Every school reopening plan has an opposite and equally unimplementable plan.
