Lazovich, T. et al
With schools reopening haphazardly in the midst of a viral pandemic, scholars have released new revisions to the laws of physics for immediate release.
Newton’s First Law
A principal at rest will stay at rest unless acted on by questions about how it’s possible to socially distance 30 students in a small room.
Heisenberg’s Uncertainty Principle
The timing and duration of a classroom’s reopening cannot be measured simultaneously.
When pressure is applied to a school board to re-open despite a lack of resources, it is transmitted to every teacher without loss.
Law Of Conservation Of Energy
A teacher’s energy (to simultaneously provide both in-class and online learning) cannot be created or destroyed (even if parents and school boards demand it).
Second Law of Thermodynamics
The total entropy of a student’s distractions will increase over time, especially on Zoom calls.
Newton’s Second Law
Once a principal is prodded into action by teacher and parent complaints, they will flail about wildly and indecisively before landing on the same non-plan they started with.
The burnout level of teachers is directly proportional to the amount of tension they experience (which is infinite).
Inverse Square Law
A teacher’s anxiety is inversely proportional to the distance from their unmasked students, squared.
The net flow of faculty to the hospital is proportional to the number of students allowed in a classroom.
Newton’s Third Law
Every school reopening plan has an opposite and equally unimplementable plan.