Revised Laws of Physics For Your School’s Coronavirus Reopening Plan

Lazovich, T. et al

With schools reopening haphazardly in the midst of a viral pandemic, scholars have released new revisions to the laws of physics for immediate release.

Newton’s First Law

A principal at rest will stay at rest unless acted on by questions about how it’s possible to socially distance 30 students in a small room. 

Heisenberg’s Uncertainty Principle

The timing and duration of a classroom’s reopening cannot be measured simultaneously. 

Pascal’s Law

When pressure is applied to a school board to re-open despite a lack of resources, it is transmitted to every teacher without loss.

Law Of Conservation Of Energy

A teacher’s energy (to simultaneously provide both in-class and online learning) cannot be created or destroyed (even if parents and school boards demand it).

Second Law of Thermodynamics

The total entropy of a student’s distractions will increase over time, especially on Zoom calls.

Newton’s Second Law

Once a principal is prodded into action by teacher and parent complaints, they will flail about wildly and indecisively before landing on the same non-plan they started with.

Hooke’s Law

The burnout level of teachers is directly proportional to the amount of tension they experience (which is infinite).

Inverse Square Law

A teacher’s anxiety is inversely proportional to the distance from their unmasked students, squared.

Gauss’s Law

The net flow of faculty to the hospital is proportional to the number of students allowed in a classroom. 

Newton’s Third Law

Every school reopening plan has an opposite and equally unimplementable plan.

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About Author

Tomo Lazovich

Tomo Lazovich is a research scientist by day and comedy writer and performer by night. His work has appeared online at McSweeney’s, Slackjaw, Points in Case, Little Old Lady Comedy, and Robot Butt. He also writes a monthly satirical column for Funny-ish called Our Dystopian Future. He regularly performs improv and sketch comedy in the Boston area and has studied satire writing with The Second City.

About Tomo Lazovich 6 Articles
Tomo Lazovich is a research scientist by day and comedy writer and performer by night. His work has appeared online at McSweeney’s, Slackjaw, Points in Case, Little Old Lady Comedy, and Robot Butt. He also writes a monthly satirical column for Funny-ish called Our Dystopian Future. He regularly performs improv and sketch comedy in the Boston area and has studied satire writing with The Second City.