Springer, D. et al
A group of zoo koalas, straining to restrain themselves from erupting into loud guffaws, announced today that, following close and extensive observation, they have found that pandas definitely cover themselves in horse feces to keep warm.
“Oh yeah, I totally saw it myself,” confirmed the most visibly amused of the pack, Koo Koo, while hiding his mouth behind his elbow. “During the winter months especially, panda bears cover themselves in horse dung to trap in their body heat—the fresher and warmer, the better.”
“Sometimes,” added another of the koalas, Boomerang, “in order to keep themselves really warm, they even…eat some of it.” This pronouncement was met with several exclamations of “aw, dude” and “that went too far” from his fellow koalas.
When asked for confirmation, Penn State University professor Tom Nash, an expert in panda bear behaviour, expressed confusion at the koalas’ claims, adding “I also haven’t personally heard of panda bears eating horse feces for that purpose, and I certainly have never observed, as these koalas have, that the pandas seem to ‘get off’ on the smell.”
When reached for comment, a group of panda bears rolled their eyes and muttered, “Well, koala bears cover themselves in their own piss, why don’t you look into that?” When pressed on whether they do in fact cover themselves in horse feces for warmth, one of the pandas loudly shouted, “Look! Bamboo!”, prompting the entire pack to run off.