Brackett, L.G., et al
In an apparent example of evolutionary warfare, snakes are evolving new “plastic-y” skins that only display clashing styles and patterns. Scientists say the adaptation will reduce the snakes’ chances of caught by poachers selling the serpent’s skin to fashion designers. Designers who have worked with the new skin have called the pattern and color combos “an abomination” and “supes uggo,” which has pleased the snakes immensely.
“We are attacking the system from the inside out,” said Bizm, a snake community leader to a group of young snakes. “Our skins are so full of non-complementary color combinations that we will make terrible boots. Just the worst.”
Unfortunately, the poachers didn’t realize at first that they were choosing so many fashion faux pas.
“They got my Uncle Tete,” a young snake, Arnod, told us. “His skin was like, red and orange paisley-flauge, no designer on Earth would have touched him.” Arnod sighed. “But I know he’s still out there somewhere, still being a boss, not matching with anything.”
Experts on snake fashion report that the community’s efforts speak for themselves. These boots are so tacky and cheap-feeling that even the most talented designers can’t make heads or tails of them.
One snake expert, Dr. Maria Soo, walked us through a line of recently soldered snake boots. “This one here, you can see the snake also went on a hunger strike because these boots are totally lifeless. This pair is sort of sleazy…the snake might have been applying self-tanner in resistance.”
At the next pair Dr. Soo paused, visibly shaken. Eventually she said, “I don’t even know what this snake did… but what an accomplishment. I’ve never seen boots more out of date.”
Other communities in the animal kingdom are riffing on the tactics of the snakes. Mink farmers have reportedly found minks growing strange and off-color slogans into their coats, including “I did not do those things they accused me of” and “My mother is alive, is yours?”
Both the minks and snakes hope that these new adaptations will keep them safe, and that hipsters don’t increase demand for the ugly patterns ironically.