Handle, A. et al
Meat eaters rejoiced this morning as vegan food upstart VegaMeat announced the creation of the first plant based animal.
“Today we have transcended bean burgers and faux meats. Please welcome Plessie, the first ever plant-based cow!” stated the company’s spokeswoman, Valerie Chiasson, during a press conference. “She is a living, breathing animal that is also technically vegan.”
Chiasson then waited patiently as an employee led what appeared to be a normal cow with a leaf on its head onto the stage. Plessie defecated while the spokeswoman continued. “She is so advanced that she can even feel pain!”
“Now both vegans and carnivores can enjoy protein that lived on a farm, ate grass, drank water and died in horrific pain like other factory farmed animals,” exclaimed Chiasson with pride.
VegaMeat says it went through many iterations of the plant based cow before achieving a product that is nearly indistinguishable from a traditional meat based cow. The company’s scientists found a proprietary mixture of sweet potato, garbanzo bean and soy, combined with bovine-like DNA, was the recipe for a living, breathing and pain sensing vegan animal.
“We discovered a 45 day fermentation process gave our plant based cow a deep, rich beef flavor along with a deep, desperate desire to procreate and survive,” stated Chiasson.
The company was so confident in its vegan cow that it even did a side-by-side blind slaughter with real cows in front of farmers.
“98% of farmers couldn’t tell the actual cow from the plant based cow!” Chiasson explained. “Our vegan cow bleeds like an actual cow thanks to a liquified beet and carrageenan gum mixture that is circulated by its grapefruit based heart.”
The study concluded that both the traditional and vegan cow struggled equally, showed similar amounts of fear, and screamed in terror at indistinguishable decibels while being slaughtered.
“Initially we felt some resistance from cattle farmers, but after doing side by side slaughters of hundreds of thousands of our plant based cows and traditional cows we believe we the majority of farmers are on board.”
In fact, many farmers have begun cross breeding the plant based cow with Wagyu cattle to create “Vegyu” steak, which is being sold for $30 per pound at high end restaurants.
VegaMeat announced their next venture would be plant based deer, finally allowing vegans and meat eaters to participate in “cruelty” free hunting.