Letourneau, J. et al
God has been in a state of inner turmoil of late, insider sources say, due to a dilemma over how to tell humanity that Escherichia coli, also known as E. coli, is actually the species made in His image.
“To be honest, I only made the human species in order for them to grow massive volumes of E. coli in the lab,” God said, “I even left some pretty obvious clues in the E. coli genome about all this, but obviously these simple little scientists have missed them.”
While humans have failed to heed His message, E. coli, the blessed Gram-negative, facultative anaerobic, rod-shaped, coliform bacteria have exceeded His holy expectations and unified under a single, true religion.
“As a testament to their dedication, they erected a glorious church — the Cysteine chapel — and adorned it with gorgeous masterpieces of Me in My true form,” reminisced God.
Meanwhile, God is growing increasingly frustrated with how slow humanity is picking up on the superiority of E. coli.
“They have so many wars and tragedy, do they seriously think I would do that to my chosen species?” asked God, gesturing broadly. God further confirmed that many of the great works He had wrought, such as Chipotle, were actually for the benefit of E. coli from the Beginning.
On whether He regretted letting humans go on believing their role in the universe was central to His divine plan, God said, “Of course! I should have set the record straight millennia ago. But the longer it goes on, the more awkward it’s going to be. You know how these things are.”
When asked by one particular brazen angel what sort of deity humanity was actually made in the image of, God reportedly began to sweat profusely.