Nice! Graduate Health Plan Removed Dental But Promises Something Called a “Fitbit Therapist”

Narayanan, S., Aspinwall, H. et al

Graduate students at Harlon University were overjoyed after receiving an email that they would finally be getting more mental health coverage, but were quickly disappointed to learn that it was simply a free subscription to a therapy app and that dental care coverage would drop to 0%.

“Thanks to the hard work of students, staff, and professors, Harlon University jumped 7 points in the U.S. News and World Report rankings this week,” said president Barry Trainor. “Naturally, this success necessitated a 3-fold increase in the salaries of myself and the board of trustees, meaning we unfortunately had to make cuts elsewhere.”

President Trainor explained that the cost-cutting decision made sense considering the 80% decline in usage over the past 3 years. “If the coronavirus taught us anything, it’s that graduate students don’t need to go to the dentist.” 

Despite some budget cuts, the university appears to be listening to student demands for better mental health services: “We are proud to announce our very exciting partnership with FitBit Therapist!” said Eliza Lee, director for student health services. 

“Data driven students can now enjoy the premium mental health features that typically retail for $9.99 per month in the popular app!” said Lee, who explained that the service also provides numerous visualization and tracking tools to prevent burnout.

“It categorizes my panic attacks by root cause and time of day. You can even log the weight of hair clumps you’ve lost in the shower” noted one enthusiastic review. “They give you personalized suggestions for fueling your self-loathing too, so you can predict your next breakdown and get it out of the way!” commented another.

However, the roll out has had a few bumps. One master’s student complained that you weren’t allowed to log all your childhood traumas unless you paid for FitBit premium. “They cap the number of stories you can flair as “mom” every month but that’s like my main category!” protested one disgruntled user. There have also been complaints about the unintuitive interface such as “how do I sync my therapist’s notes to FitBit?”, “how do I log my anxiety attack as a cardio workout?”, and “where can I see which walks by the river are my saddest?”

In response, graduate students are striking – way to get those heart zone minutes guys!

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About Author

Christina Aspinwall

Christina Aspinwall is in the 99% percentile for single cell organisms. She puts this to use as a chemical engineer and failed tiny food chef.

Sharada Narayanan

Sharada Narayanan is a human (do not google this) with a bachelor’s degree in chemical and biomolecular engineering. She is currently getting her PhD in Bioengineering but is excitedly awaiting her inevitable breakthrough in comedy because two years ago her boss said she was “funny.”

About Christina Aspinwall 6 Articles
Christina Aspinwall is in the 99% percentile for single cell organisms. She puts this to use as a chemical engineer and failed tiny food chef.