Study Finds The Best Way To Fix The Printer Is To Throw That Fucking Thing Out And Buy Another One

Crooks, T. et al.

In a recent study evaluating the efficacy of time spent in repairing the office printer relative to the cost of purchasing a new one, the findings indicated that the printer is in fact garbage and everyone would be much better off if we just threw the damn thing out.

Data taken from over two thousand workplaces showed that a shocking 87% of people who have used a printer within the last week have reported thoughts of “smashing that little fucker to bits.” 

The study also found that buying a new printer would solve most printer-related issues, though there is often resistance in upper management to the change. “Most workplaces claim that their department is unable to afford a new printer,” said famed printerologist Gordon Wong, “but our researchers were able to locate plenty of cheap ones on Amazon.”

Tragically, with no hope of a new printer, many users eventually escalate to violence.

“All my reports are in black and white, and yet cyan is over here cockblocking my pages! How is anyone supposed to get anything done around here?” said Shannon, an office accountant who estimates that she has physically assaulted the office printer at least six hundred times in the three weeks that she has worked at her company. 

The study also concluded that the weird noise it has been making isn’t a paper jam, even though the printer is saying so. “I reached into the guts of that fucking machine fourteen times,” said Tim from HR. “There’s not a single scrap of paper, but the printer is still screaming to clear the paper tray!” 

Tim was later reprimanded for tossing the printer off the roof onto a jar of grape jelly screaming “HERE’S YOUR FUCKING JAM.”

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About Author

Taylor Crooks

Taylor is a post-baccalaureate researcher at Mayo Clinic in Minnesota studying the microbiome and its impact on ovarian and endometrial cancer. In addition, Taylor is also studying secondary bile acids as tumor growth inhibitors in ovarian cancer.

About Taylor Crooks 3 Articles
Taylor is a post-baccalaureate researcher at Mayo Clinic in Minnesota studying the microbiome and its impact on ovarian and endometrial cancer. In addition, Taylor is also studying secondary bile acids as tumor growth inhibitors in ovarian cancer.