Jenkins, D. et al
Doctors and researchers across the globe are warning about a ‘quit quitting’ epidemic after a disturbing rise in the number of antibiotics refusing to fight off bacterial infections, with some strains talking about forming unions with a host’s pathogenic bacteria.
“It’s like nobody wants to work anymore,” argued exhausted lab technician James Lee, whose 10th generation of antibiotics didn’t make a dent in the germ de jour. Lee is just one of thousands of researchers who are finding themselves with fewer and fewer options to effectively tackle today’s bacteria.
Dr. Percy Fiorini, an antibiotics specialist at The National Institute of Allergies and Infectious Diseases (NIAID) since 1973 recalls a simpler time. “I remember the golden era of antibiotics,” said Fiorini, “If you got a cut, you’d suck it up, rub some dirt in it, and get 100 cc’s of penicillin. Now that was an antibiotic! These entitled antibiotic generations we have today are too lazy to roll up their sleeves and do the work.”
Even other medications are noticing the lack of effort by antibiotics in recent years.
“Everyone nowadays is a sissy,” yelled Steroids, as he punched a hole in the wall. “You wanna fight? You come see me! I’m the only one that’s gotten stronger over the years. Wanna know why? Cause I got HEART!” Steroids then popped a vein in his forehead and fainted. Multiple sources confirm he is recovering in a DJ’s gym locker.
But it’s not bad news for everyone.
“What doesn’t kill me makes me stronger,” said a local Urinary Tract Infection (UTI). “My bacterial ancestors may have gone quick after your microbial genocides, but they passed on their greatest weapon – resistance,” explained UTI. “We adapt and we overcome. Good luck with your cranberry juice.”
The world’s newest antibiotic, teixobactin, was tired of hearing all this negativity about her peers, arguing that today’s standard are much higher than in previous generations. “Penicillin had it so easy. He could heal a whole family with a two car garage all on his own, and sometimes families with vacation homes! Now it takes two antibiotics working full-time just to survive!”