De-Extinction Win! A New Blockbuster Was Hatched In Wisconsin After Successful Breeding Program

Carl, J. et al

Thanks to an innovative new breeding program, scientists were able to successfully spawn a new Blockbuster Video shop in Eau Claire, Wisconsin, roughly 100 miles east of Minneapolis.

The process, known to wildlife biologists as cross species surrogacy, involved using a Best Buy as an incubator and cryopreserved genetic material of the Blockbuster, a VHS of “Encino Man” that had been mistakenly left in a freezer. The results were several “Blockbuster Eggs.” One of which has successfully hatched in Eau Claire, and is now open to the general public. 

While the project now appears to be a success, there were many hurdles along the way, explained Dr. Laramiah Hastings, the lead architect of the project. 

“Any time you are attempting to reverse engineer an extinct species or one on the brink of extinction, like Blockbuster, there is some guesswork involved in filling in the gaps in the genetic information,” explained Dr. Hastings.

While scientists couldn’t ask a neanderthal details about wooly mammoths, Dr. Hastings was lucky enough to find some older citizens of Wisconsin who were still alive when Blockbusters were more prolific.

Local historians were able to supply Hastings with certain critical details that only the most experienced movie renters would know, such as the availability of snacks and popcorn.

“The biggest breakthrough was finding out the movies were actually organized first by genre and then alphabetically, not simply by degrees of Kevin Bacon as we’d originally assumed,” said Dr. Hastings.

When asked, Hastings seemed unaware of Paramount Global, the parent company of Viacom; the multinational billion-dollar entertainment conglomerate which currently owns Blockbuster LLC, and claimed they had no involvement, “Ok so if this is just some kind of ‘business’, where did all of these Blockbuster Eggs come from?” said Hastings.

With the success of this project, Hastings plans on following similar steps across the Midwest in the hopes of  restoring the Blockbuster population to pre-1995 levels.

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Jimmy Carl

Jimmy Carl is a freelance comedian, scientist, and writer.

About Jimmy Carl 4 Articles
Jimmy Carl is a freelance comedian, scientist, and writer.