Star grad student Blake Neil is known by colleagues as the hardest working PhD student in his institute, as he brings it up in every conversation, and even more impressive? Despite claims that he does “nothing but lab work for 18 hours a day,” Neil has also managed to watch every single TV show in existence.

Neil’s co-workers are astounded by how much he works and simultaneously manages to be up to date with new shows, within hours of their release. Postdoc Dr. Ai Nguyen said “He says he was in the lab all last night, but he’s also caught up to all 28 episodes of that show about shark swimsuit models, and it only came out yesterday.”

When asked about how he has time for both science and TV, Dr. Ngyuen replied, “He must just be really talented, nothing else would explain it!”

“He is the best student I’ve ever had,” said Neil’s supervisor Professor Dr. Nika Imanov, as her eyes welled up with tears. “The strange thing is, I wouldn’t even know how diligent he was if he didn’t constantly tell me about how hard he works,” she added.

When asked about his productivity, Dr. Imanov paused. “Even though he doesn’t seem to have as much data as other students, I’m confident he is the best, simply because he is always here,” said Dr. Imanov. “He even sends me email updates throughout the night, so I know he is working at all hours.”

An unfortunate side effect of Neil’s brilliance is that it can intimidate his fellow trainees. “I’m no match for Blake, he is always imaging in that dark microscope room” said graduate student Ali Khalil, who also says Neil has never provided an image from that microscope.

“He must be multitasking and analysing data on his laptop, his screen time report popped up the other day and it said ‘up 2% for an average of 20 hours a day.’ I just can’t compete with that dedication,” said Khalil.

Although Neil is yet to produce any publishable data, all of the TV shows on his streaming accounts exist only under the heading “Watch Again” which many people agree is a huge accomplishment. We asked Neil if he had any tips for up-and-coming graduate students “I’m far too busy to comment. I have to go and watch, I mean image, these samples” he replied.

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A group of researchers hoping to have their newest work published in the prestigious journal Science have accidentally submitted their paper to Science Total Landscaping. The article appeared in the Journal’s November issue, in between advertisements for a sex shop and a crematorium.

Prior to its release, senior author on the study Dr. James Cooper tweeted “Article out in Science, 11:00 A.M.” Shortly after he deleted the tweet and wrote “Big paper out today in Science Total Landscaping – 11:30am.” The journal Science also tweeted about the article stating “The recent article by Kwan et al. will NOT be published in Science. It will be published in Science Total Landscaping- No relation with the Science publishing group.”

Lead author on the study Dr. Ellie Kwan was disappointed by the situation. “I thought I was going to be an author in Science, we were all expecting this huge fancy celebration,” said Dr. Kwan. “It was a real blow to see the article with that drab teal and white colour scheme in Science Total Landscaping” Dr Kwan lamented.  “I suppose we should have been suspicious of the low publishing fee, and the poorly drawn graphical abstract that we later found out was made by an actual four-year old child” said Kwan.

The Editor-in-Chief of Science Total Landscaping, Chip Woodley was thrilled to publish such an impactful paper. “The article was really out of the scope of our journal, it’s not something we usually get asked to publish. But we knew it was going to be so high impact we really couldn’t refuse” said Woodley. The Journal is now receiving so many new submissions and citations that its impact factor skyrocketed from 1.2 to 120.0.

The increase in popularity has allowed Science Total Landscaping to produce merchandise for its newfound fans, including lab coats that say, “Genius is one percent inspiration and ninety-nine percent perspiration from landscaping” and “If I have seen further it is by standing on the shoulders of giant shrubs.”

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A paranormal phenomenon has been sweeping through labs around the globe, where pipettes that appear to be haunted are disappearing and reappearing on neighbouring lab benches, putting serious strain on the researchers who need them to do their experiments. Postdoc Dr. Casey Sunder says she is one of the victims.

“Every time I go to use my P200, it’s on my co-workers bench,” said Dr. Sunder. “The only explanation is lab ghosts. What have I done to upset the spirits? Have I sacrificed too many mice… or too few?”

She says that the pipette has also been set to unnatural volumes

“The other day when I found my P200 on Kim’s bench, it was set to 666uL,” whispered Dr. Sunder. “If that’s not proof that it’s haunted, I don’t know what is.”

Dr. Sunder’s co-worker, grad student Kimberly Dodd, agrees the pipette must be haunted and that it is totally the reason it continually ends up on her bench.

“Uhh, yeah, haunted, sure. In fact, I’ve always had a connection with spirits so it’s really no surprise that Casey’s P200 is drawn to me. Maybe the whole lab is haunted! My own P200 has been missing for months.”

Dodd is convinced that the ghosts aren’t just in the pipettes. “If I leave empty packing boxes on the floor, after a few days, they just disappear all by themselves.”

Pipette haunting can have serious consequences. Grad student Justin Li recounted a terrifying encounter with his multichannel.

“It happened around 3am on the last day of a continuous 72 hour experiment,” recounted Li, who had also not slept in nearly four days at the time. “The pipette flew up to the ceiling and started winding all the way around, more than 360 degrees. Then it started spewing liquid and tips at me,” said Li. Li’s labmates cannot confirm the sighting, but say that they found Li asleep on his bench the next morning.

Although this may seem like a recent phenomenon, evidence of pipette ghosts has been documented for centuries. Pipette service and exorcism technician Dan Moon says that pipette ghosts have existed since pipettes were invented. “Forged in the aftermath of a fatal lab accident with a graduated cylinder, the first pipette ever made disappeared only moments after its creation.”

Moon says pipette haunting can take many forms. “Disappearing is the most common sign of a haunting, shortly followed by pipettes that wind themselves below or above their volume range.” Unfortunately for victims, the cost of Moon’s exorcisms can’t be covered by grant funding.

However, Moon has some advice to help prevent pipette haunting, he says to make sure to register your new pipettes with the manufacturer. “Most people just throw out those documents, but they’re essential. A registration and continuing subscription to marketing emails causes enough pain to keep spirits out of any pipette.”

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