Local pigeon Dr. Gloria Rockdove has surveyed her city pigeon colleagues and has confirmed what many already knew; breadcrumbs taste best when eaten from the sidewalk, as compared to other surfaces such as people’s hands, subway floors, and grass [1].

“Eating from hands is condescending. Humans repulse us– they are like giant, walking street rats!” cooed Dr. Rockdove, shuddering with disgust as she watched a grown man longboard down a congested city street.

Coming in at a close second to unwashed streets were underground subways. “Subways are excellent because you are not in danger from predatory birds, and you can peck-pocket foolish humans while they stare at their glowing rectangles” squawked Dr. Rockdove, poking out of a man’s shirt pocket as he lost another game of Candy Crush. 

Dr. Rockdove adds that sometimes it’s not just where humans throw the bread, but what they throw. “Sometimes people try to throw us entire baguettes and I’m like what am I supposed to do with this? Does it look like we have all day? We have problematic statues to poop on!”

“Or they toss us a bun from a restaurant that barely passes health inspections, as if they’re doing us a favor,” she added. “Don’t pretend like it wasn’t garbage before it fell on the floor,” said Dr. Rockdove, attempting to swallow an entire hamburger. 

And bread in the grass? Dr. Rockdove does not approve.“Eating bread from grass surfaces is the hipster alternative. It’s a fun idea for Throwback Thursdays, but we don’t want to go down that road. What’s next? Refusing to drink rainwater unless it’s served in a mason jar?”

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