“Those folds are just too tempting for the peptidases,” said the principal.

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Diving further and further into debt because your grad school stipend can only cover rent OR food? Lower your expenses by secretly shacking up in your empty lab! 

Apart from the cost savings, living in the lab also has a bunch of other benefits, like:

Cool new amenities

Does your apartment have an ice maker? Or an oven that can go up to 1200 degrees? Didn’t think so! Plus there’s still sinks that reek of bleach and bacteria to remind you of home.

Amenities that are better than the ones in your apartment

Who needs a bed when you have a clean microwave, cluttered shelves full of books you’ll never read, and super strong alcohol!

All the yeast you could ever want

Worried you’ll miss out on the sourdough baking craze without your home kitchen? Worry no more! Stores may be out of yeast but there’s plenty in the lab, and just think how great the warm room will be for proofing dough!

Mouse roommates

Instead of having noisy roommates who leave their dishes in the sink, welcome to life with roommates who barely make a peep!

Fruit fly cheerleaders

These lil guys basically CHEER whenever you eat fruit, and without rent you can probably afford a few berries for once!

More time for experiments

While everyone else has to put their lab research on hold, you get to go wild on all the instruments that usually have a months-long waiting list!

The post Grad Student Life Hack? How To Save On Rent By Squatting In Your Empty Lab! appeared first on dnatured journal.

Melittologists have officially documented potentially dangerous type of bee living in North America, which are so fierce the scientists felt they had no choice but to call them Drag Queen bees. The insects, dubbed Apis RuPaulis, are extremely dangerous and have a powerful side eye that is as painful as any regular bee sting. Scientists fear the species could quickly overtake other bee species, as each Drag Queen hive is heavily protected by swarms of loyal #werker bees.

Unlike traditional honey bees, which play a key role in agriculture, early data suggest that Drag Queen bees are more interested in cross-dressing, rather than cross-pollinating. Instead of producing honey, drag queens direct their hives to focus on throwing shade, in which the hives swarm fields of flowers that the queen has deemed “cancelled.” The shade from the bees can slow plant growth by keeping crops out of the sun.

In addition, these queens can death drop from above and attack viciously when threatened. “At first, we thought that they didn’t have any stingers,” explains noted bee scientist Dr. Katherine Lee, “eventually realized they were just tucking them in.”

Drag Queen bee stings can produce a variety of sickening effects, including local inflammation and gagging. “Queens have been spotted building hives in dense urban areas, so if you live near popular bars or nightclubs, you may be at heightened risk,” Dr Lee noted.

Safety officials recommend that if you see a drag queen bee, you should sashay away as quickly as possible.

The post Uh Oh! Scientists Warn Of Fierce New Drag Queen Bees Here To Slay The Competition (And You) appeared first on dnatured journal.

A manuscript submitted for publication in Nature Communications by Dr. Heidi Merrill was rejected earlier this week due to author Dr. Merrill’s unusually low confidence level in herself. 

“I’m not sure why Dr. Merill isn’t more confident,” commented Reviewer #2. “Her conclusions were well supported, but it was really distracting to read ‘does that make sense??’ so many times in a single paper.”

“Dr. Merrill’s research was quite impressive,” explained Publishing Director Nataniel West. “The experiments were extremely well-designed and the statistical analyses were very robust. However, the author ended the manuscript with ‘idk idk lol,’ which made our editorial staff uncomfortable publishing the work.” 

“She also tried to list ‘dumb luck’ as first author, which seemed unprofessional,” West added.

“Heidi asked me for feedback on the first draft,” noted coworker Dr. Adrian Lovett. “I told her not to title the manuscript ‘So I Did A Thing,’ especially since she worked on it tirelessly for months. However, her back-up title was ‘I Think I Used CRISPR Right But Maybe I’m Stupid?’ so I just gave up.”

Dr. Lovett says Dr. Merrill’s imposter syndrome has lowered her confidence level so much that she likely isn’t sure that she even is a scientist. He added that he may switch his research project to study the negative correlation between ‘time spent in academia’ and ‘confidence levels.’

But not all of Dr. Merrill’s coworkers believe her paper was doomed due to her lack of confidence.

“Heidi’s paper? Yeah, it was cute,” noted Dr. Merrill’s summer student, Travis Chadwick, loudly chewing a sandwich at his desk. “Not as good as the manuscript I hammered out in an hour after getting drinks with my buddy Dave last weekend.” 

“That shit is going straight to Cell,” he added, belching.

At press time, Dr. Merrill was unavailable for comment because she was too busy agonizing over how dumb her voice sounds on the phone.

The post Uh Oh! Scientist Rejected After Self-Confidence Falls Below 95% Threshold appeared first on dnatured journal.

The water molecules produced by the bondage get her very wet.

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A groundbreaking study from Northwestern University is making headlines this week as it purports to demonstrate that sexual monogamy is, tragically, unnatural for the human species. The study’s lead author, Dr. Henry Flynn, explains that his research was based on morphological data, genetic analysis, and a few dozen text messages he found on his ex-girlfriend’s phone.

“In sexually promiscuous animals,” the paper reads, “you often find a high degree of sexual dimorphism, as well as some new lingerie in Laura’s underwear drawer that you haven’t seen before. Human males are approximately 20% larger than females, which appears to indicate that no matter how much you loved her, Laura was biologically programmed to stray from your two-year relationship when she became intoxicated in Bora Bora.”

The following paragraph is illegible, as it is covered in wet splotches and a red smudge that looks like it came from a Hot Pocket.

However, the results of the study have been met with some criticism. For example, famed primatologist Dr. Marie Goldblatt released a statement calling the research “deeply flawed,” noting that it fails to take into account seminal vesicle size, the girth of the female oviduct, or the fact that her boyfriend David “would never do that.”

Dr. Flynn was quick to respond to critics. “Only 3-5% of mammals practice some form of monogamy,” he explained at a press conference while placing a series of personal photographs through an electric shredder. “The evidence is objectively clear.”

At press time, Dr. Flynn was drawing a graph entitled “Number of Fucks I Give vs. Time” on the back of a napkin at a nearby bar.

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