Pearlman, M. et al.
A groundbreaking study from Northwestern University is making headlines this week as it purports to demonstrate that sexual monogamy is, tragically, unnatural for the human species. The study’s lead author, Dr. Henry Flynn, explains that his research was based on morphological data, genetic analysis, and a few dozen text messages he found on his ex-girlfriend’s phone.
“In sexually promiscuous animals,” the paper reads, “you often find a high degree of sexual dimorphism, as well as some new lingerie in Laura’s underwear drawer that you haven’t seen before. Human males are approximately 20% larger than females, which appears to indicate that no matter how much you loved her, Laura was biologically programmed to stray from your two-year relationship when she became intoxicated in Bora Bora.”
The following paragraph is illegible, as it is covered in wet splotches and a red smudge that looks like it came from a Hot Pocket.
However, the results of the study have been met with some criticism. For example, famed primatologist Dr. Marie Goldblatt released a statement calling the research “deeply flawed,” noting that it fails to take into account seminal vesicle size, the girth of the female oviduct, or the fact that her boyfriend David “would never do that.”
Dr. Flynn was quick to respond to critics. “Only 3-5% of mammals practice some form of monogamy,” he explained at a press conference while placing a series of personal photographs through an electric shredder. “The evidence is objectively clear.”
At press time, Dr. Flynn was drawing a graph entitled “Number of Fucks I Give vs. Time” on the back of a napkin at a nearby bar.