8 Ways to Say “I Don’t Want To Answer Your Question” At Your Next Poster Session

Posters are a great way to present new discoveries and network with other scientists in your field. However, some of your more interrogative colleagues seem to prefer grilling you incessantly. If you’re tired of saying “That’s a great question, and definitely an area for future research,” try these 8 alternate responses instead to breeze through your next poster session.

1. Guilt Trip

Stare at them, audibly sigh, and say “do you know what I’ve been through to get this data? The animal sacrifices I’ve made?” Oh what, they just asked you to describe your methods? Double down and tell them all the ways the instruments failed you.

2. Show Off Your Intellectual Superiority

Stare into the distance, furrow your brow, and start tracing the air as if you’re doing calculations, then loudly exclaim “Good suggestion, but DAMN IT, no – there’s no way that would work. I just can’t get around the numbers.” Move along, idiot!

3. Distract Them

Avoid their direct question and go on a long, unrelated tangent, ending every sentence with “…if you know what I mean” in an almost sexual way, but not quite. They’ll be left trying to figure out what you do mean and have no time to continue questioning your science. 

4. Go For Flair

Ignore the question and loudly exclaim, “Details don’t matter here – can’t you SEE the implications? This is a complete paradigm shift, a scientific revolution! Don’t be left behind!” Commit to this by bringing previous papers related to your work, tearing them into confetti, and throwing them into the questioners’ face. 

5. Create Conflict

Look at the poster next to you, then stage whisper, “I would answer that, but I don’t want to get scooped. You know how this field is.” Bonus – now you can actually start a fight with your poster neighbor, and deter any visits whatsoever!

6. Borrow From Politics

Tell them that of course you know the answer, but it’ll be more rewarding for them if they “do their own research.” Academics love to learn, how can they argue with that?

7. Hide In Fear

Create just enough space between your poster and the wall to fit your body, squat in front of it, and stand up to slide behind the poster. Whoops, where’d you go?? Maybe now they’ll actually read the poster.

8. Make Them Uncomfortable

Nod, smile, and say: “Great question! Before I answer, I must use the little boys/girls room.” Then stare at them until they leave. 

If all else fails, fetal position is always a great option! Best of luck, the ability to communicate well is one of the most important aspects of being a successful scientist.

The post 8 Ways to Say “I Don’t Want To Answer Your Question” At Your Next Poster Session appeared first on dnatured journal.

In an impressive show of innovative problem-solving, Dr. Steven Morris at the University of Madison recently started absolutely raking in the cash after he realized that he could use the term “physiological relevance” all the time – if that’s what the gene he studies is named!

The idea came after a 7-year research project led by Dr. Morris studying a pathway essential to understanding basic cell biology was halted indefinitely when one reviewer asked the killer question: “What’s the physiological relevance?” 

After Dr. Morris flubbed the questions, his funding quickly ran out after as the project was deemed “too boring to continue,” according to a source from the National Science Foundation.

The incident led Dr. Morris to do some soul-searching, and he reflects that “After years of scratching our heads, wondering what spin we can put on our research to make people care, we finally just said ‘Fuck it! Let’s get creative!’”

Now, Dr. Morris writes headlines first, and does the research second – his next project stemmed from the headline “Breakthrough discovery finds Paradigm Shift via new Cancer-Curing Pathway.” Chuckling, he tells reporters that “Paradigm Shift” was a new bacterial strain he found (and aptly named), and “Cancer-Curing Pathway” was simply what he wrote into his SOP as his new practice of sneezing directly onto cultures and not wearing PPE. 

The lab’s new direction has been met with mixed reviews. While the National Science Foundation announced “The Morris Laboratory is doing groundbreaking work – with pizazz!”, an exasperated technician told reporters that “he genuinely used to care about making the world a better place. It’s disheartening to see [Dr. Morris] stretched to the point of nicknaming our equipment ‘High Impact Factor’ just to work the phrase into conversations with department donors.”

Dr. Morris is currently under investigation after listing that he has an R01 grant on his tenure application. His son, R01 Morris, – “It’s Rick,” he was overheard insisting while Dr. Morris countered “tell that to your birth certificate, young man!!” – was unavailable for further comment.

The post Funding Hack! This Biologist Named A Recently Discovered Gene “Physiological Relevance” And Immediately Got A Flood Of Grants appeared first on dnatured journal.

While working on creating functional in vitro muscle tissue, Dr. Allie Polami’s patience was tested after her tissue samples stopped contracting normally, and instead started flexing on Dr. Polami about how much better their fusion index was compared to hers.

“It was so strange,” recounted Dr. Polami. “One minute they were simply self-contractile, and the next thing I know they’re telling me they’ll publish in Nature before I do.”

Although Dr. Polami is unsure what caused her samples’ newfound confidence, she observed that their behavior had been evolving frighteningly quick. 

“Last week, they were just flexing on each other,” Polami reflected, “asserting their dominance by casually mentioning how perfectly aligned they were.” 

But as they gained traction, the muscle fibers looked to a more satisfying target and banded together to flex on Dr. Polami as a cohesive group.

“I was shocked at how quickly they mastered audible speech in vitro,” said Dr. Polami, “and then how easily they were able to learn all my insecurities and so effectively exploit them.” 

The flexes appear to range from professional to personal, including that they thought Dr. Polami’s recent decision to submit to Nature was “adorable” and that the muscle cells “wished they were still that naive.”

After Dr. Polami came back to the lab from a “particularly bleak” date, as told by the muscle fibers, a nearby technician reported overhearing the samples pitying her situation. 

“I actually envy her incalculable loneliness,” said one particularly popular muscle cell. “It’s honestly exhausting to fend off so many myoblasts trying to fuse with me. I’m like, whoa – one at a time guys, a girl can only take so much!” 

Although unclear why the cell bundles have decided to describe their natural development as heterosexual relationships, this particular flex seemed to have had its desired effect, as Dr. Polami was seen wiping a teardrop from her increasingly chaotic lab notebook. 

The post Muscle Biologist Sick Of Samples Flexing On Her appeared first on dnatured journal.

Piles of failed experiments leaving you with pent up energy and frustration? Are you looking for a way to get toned but find it hard to balance workouts and all your experiments? Here is a quick lab-inspired workout regime that you can implement anytime, anywhere. Just grab some space, a couple of heavy objects (that stack of unread papers on your desk, or the crushing weight of inevitable climate change), and follow along:

Warm up

Picture your most recent failed experiment. Now, picture making six figures while working reasonable hours with cold brew on-tap at a biotech company. Are you angry? Is your heart rate up? Great! Recall this feeling every time you need motivation throughout this workout.

Sprinters (3x 2 minutes)

Here comes your PI with another grant proposal for someone to write. Outrun your labmates so that you don’t have to do it – bonus points if you shout “computational analysis is really Christina’s strong suit!” while you run. 

Side Project Side Steps (3 sets of 10 per side)

Remember that long list of side projects you keep pursuing because “maybe it’ll pan out and I’ll get a publication out of it”? Spoiler: it probably won’t! Get back on track by holding your weights while side squat-stepping right over them.

Undergraduate Mix-ups (5 solutions)

Oh no! Your undergrad messed up your reagents, now you have to re-mix everything, and fast! Pick up that stock solution and shake it around. If you’ve started to sweat, use the heat to accelerate the mixing.

Graduation Hurdlers (3 sets of 10)

Think about all the times you said “well I would have defended my thesis by now if I didn’t have to XYZ.” Make an obstacle course with all the instruments and coworkers who have held you back, then jump over them with reckless abandon!

Supervisor Squats (3x 30s)

Uh oh, your PI is walking past the lab and you forgot to send in the manuscript draft you promised to finish last week. Squat below their eyeline behind the bench so they don’t see you and ask you about it — aaaaand hold it… hold it… 

Rotational arm holds (60 rpm, 5 minutes)

Centrifuge in use or broken? Balance your samples in each hand and spin until your arms make scary noises!

Revisions (indefinitely, forever)

Your manuscript revisions just came back. Repeat everything you just did, but with more replicates. Also, give better justification for why you’re doing this. How are you sure that channeling lab frustrations into exercise is a productive workout? The mechanism isn’t really clear. Ah screw it, do you even care enough to keep going?

The post Protocol: How to Channel Lab Frustrations Into A Productive Workout appeared first on dnatured journal.