Muscle Biologist Sick Of Samples Flexing On Her

Letcher, S. et al

While working on creating functional in vitro muscle tissue, Dr. Allie Polami’s patience was tested after her tissue samples stopped contracting normally, and instead started flexing on Dr. Polami about how much better their fusion index was compared to hers.

“It was so strange,” recounted Dr. Polami. “One minute they were simply self-contractile, and the next thing I know they’re telling me they’ll publish in Nature before I do.”

Although Dr. Polami is unsure what caused her samples’ newfound confidence, she observed that their behavior had been evolving frighteningly quick. 

“Last week, they were just flexing on each other,” Polami reflected, “asserting their dominance by casually mentioning how perfectly aligned they were.” 

But as they gained traction, the muscle fibers looked to a more satisfying target and banded together to flex on Dr. Polami as a cohesive group.

“I was shocked at how quickly they mastered audible speech in vitro,” said Dr. Polami, “and then how easily they were able to learn all my insecurities and so effectively exploit them.” 

The flexes appear to range from professional to personal, including that they thought Dr. Polami’s recent decision to submit to Nature was “adorable” and that the muscle cells “wished they were still that naive.”

After Dr. Polami came back to the lab from a “particularly bleak” date, as told by the muscle fibers, a nearby technician reported overhearing the samples pitying her situation. 

“I actually envy her incalculable loneliness,” said one particularly popular muscle cell. “It’s honestly exhausting to fend off so many myoblasts trying to fuse with me. I’m like, whoa – one at a time guys, a girl can only take so much!” 

Although unclear why the cell bundles have decided to describe their natural development as heterosexual relationships, this particular flex seemed to have had its desired effect, as Dr. Polami was seen wiping a teardrop from her increasingly chaotic lab notebook. 

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