Cosmic Breakthrough? Scientists Now Suspect The Universe Is Expanding Because It’s Trying To Avoid Us

Thavalingam, A. et al

CERN researcher Dr. Sudarshan Patel made a stunning discovery last Tuesday, when a ketamine-fuelled haze led to a lucid conversation with a sentient Higgs Boson, the so-called God particle, who told him that the universe is hurdling away from “disgusting” and “violent” human beings as quickly as possible. 

“I mean, the universe was initially impressed when you guys figured out tools,” said Higgy. “But then those small tribal skirmishes with spears evolved into these awful global wars with bombs and chemical weapons, and we were all like, uhhh guys?”

The universe was so grossed out by the constant depravity that, according to Higgy, it started accelerating more vigorously with each new human atrocity.

“It’s just hard to be around a species that keeps killing plants, animals, and everything else they need to survive for some made up idea they call money, you know?” said Higgy.

Despite humanity’s effective trashing of the rock fondly referred to as Earth, the real turning point was the bidding wars for non-existent items, commonly known as NFTs. Voyeuristic lifeforms had seen enough, and began to fund the supermassive expansion of the Universe away from planet Earth. 

“Project: Enough of Humanity is the first intergalactic venture that unites so many different lifeforms under one banner,” said Z۝⍭⍾☄, a helium-based life form from the Cygnus A galaxy. “As much as we dislike each other’s company, it doesn’t come close to our need to distance ourselves from the inhabitants of that moral cesspool.”

Says Higgy: “You know I always proclaim love to be a universal force for good, never to be restrained. But loving a species hell-bent on self-destruction is too hard even for a God particle like me.”

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Annoj Thavalingam

Annoj works in an undisclosed government lab concerning some subject matter or the other. In his free time he likes to [redacted].

About Annoj Thavalingam 1 Article
Annoj works in an undisclosed government lab concerning some subject matter or the other. In his free time he likes to [redacted].