Let’s face it: at your primarily undergraduate institution, you’re the top dog around the lab. You’re the big kahuna; the one who actually has to live with the fact that you chose to pursue academic research at the graduate level. While your PI looks down on you, those undergraduates getting their first hit of scientific research see you as a god (or at least that’s what you tell yourself, Dr. Published). And if there’s one thing that you’re not gonna let happen, it’s letting these undergrads desecrate your temple by taking pipette tips randomly from the box. Here’s how you can keep them pipetting piously: 

Positive reinforcement

Start off easy — let them know they’re doing a good job whenever they decide to take tips from the box like a normal fucking human. 

Negative reinforcement

Otherwise known as the “I’ll keep doing this until you change” technique. Try throwing a tantrum whenever they start loading a 96-well plate, and stop whenever they decide to act their age again by taking tips in a top-to-bottom left-to-right fashion. 

Positive Punishment

If the first two techniques fail, try leaving them subliminal messages. A great way to do this is by rearranging the tips in all the boxes into the shape of a frowny face; this lets them know that their substandard performance has been the most significant minor inconvenience of your day. 

Negative Punishment

If your undergrads are still effectively playing whack-a-mole when loading their micropipettes, you may have to take away something they value. Your target is their left Apple AirPod, and your ransom is some goddamn etiquette. Taking pipette tips from the box is of the most important lab commandments, and ignorance of the law is no excuse. Let your undergrads know that their spot in your “LastName et al.” must be earned!

The post Protocol: How To Passive-Aggressively Let Undergrads Know There Is A CORRECT Way To Take Pipette Tips From The Box appeared first on dnatured journal.

As the COVID-19 pandemic continues to sweep the nation, more and more graduate schools are loosening their admissions requirements for struggling prospective students. For some institutions, this means waiving GRE scores or application fees, but one school is taking a different approach: in an effort to attract more applicants, one University of [redacted], [redacted] is also waiving their student’s COVID-19 test scores.

 “Folks who refuse to wear masks just aren’t going to pass COVID-19 test, which is a direct threat to our revenue—I mean the health and safety of the college,” said admissions chair Michael, who preferred not to share his surname for anonymity. 

While certain applicants are thrilled about this news, others who have been studying non-stop for the COVID-19 test are frustrated that their efforts were for nothing.

“I paid thousands of dollars in COVID test prep classes, and have taken hundreds of practice tests,” said exasperated prospective student Gregory Flinn from his family’s private island. “My parents even got me the Pfizer vaccine for my birthday before it was readily available in the US or even the UK. It’s all so unfair!”

Flinn is attaching scores from all his 436 COVID tests in the hopes that other grad schools will notice his exceptional financial advantages.

The post Nice! Grad Schools Announce They’re Waiving COVID Test Scores To Attract More Applicants appeared first on dnatured journal.

“It’s the most wonderful time of the year!” proclaimed Dr. Erik Gilmore, professor of genetics at Washington State University as he handed his PhD student Byron Kim his patented “lab advent calendar”. Every December, Dr. Gilmore fills an advent calendar with side experiment ideas for his students to perform in a last ditch effort to get a few more publications for the year.

“Not to toot my own horn, but I think it’s pretty genius,” said Dr. Gilmore. “Each day, a random student is chosen to pull an experiment from the advent calendar, which they then have to complete by the end of the week. We do this until Christmas Eve, where one lucky student actually gets to visit their family!”

“Then, depending on the number of accepted publications, I award the student a free coffee voucher for the cafeteria! I just love the season of giving.”

Despite Dr. Gilmore’s festive enthusiasm, members of the Gilmore lab are less than pleased about this tradition.

“I just think it’s kinda interesting that Dr. Gilmore isn’t included in the list of folks who participate in the advent calendar activities“ said one student, who asked to remain anonymous. “I mean, it’s just kinda funny that he gets to prance around the lab belting Mariah Carey’s ‘All I Want For Christmas Is You’ while replacing the word ‘you’ with ‘a Nature publication’. Meanwhile I’m doing my tenth Western blot of the week. Yep. Kinda intriguing.”

Several students are considering transferring Dr. Weinberg’s lab, which does a similar, but shorter event for Hanukkah.

The post Score! Lab’s Advent Calendar Reveals A New Side Project Each Day appeared first on dnatured journal.

Tensions have exploded across an agar plate from a microbiology lab at the University of Pennsylvania, as a fungal infection caused a tiny but catastrophic war not seen in generations. 

Droves of Pseudomonas colonies were seen rushing to combat their impending moldy demise. “My fellow organisms are being threatened,” said the leader of the bacterial colonies. “One second we were growing exponentially, and the next, fungal invaders started a violent occupation of our entire district.”

While most of the bacterial colonies feel that there isn’t “mush-room” for the fungi on this plate, certain individuals think the problem is deeper rooted than it appears. “I’m telling you man, this war is less about resources and more about the system!” announced one progressive bacterium, who preferred to remain anonymous. “The media is trying to control us!” 

Despite this, other bacteria welcomed their new umami overlords: “I mean sure, their takeover was swift and effective, but doesn’t that speak to their leadership skills? I dunno, they’re starting to grow on me,” said another bacterium. 

When asked about the swift invasion, the head fungal spore claimed that “[the takeover] wasn’t that brutal. I feel like we get too much flak from the other organisms: they think we’re selfish because we literally thrive on moist dead things. But you know, personality-wise, I like to think I’m a pretty fun… damentally similar organism to bacteria.”

The post Dreadful! Revolutionary War Between Fungal Spores and Bacterial Colonies Wreaks Havoc Across Agar Plate appeared first on dnatured journal.