According to the gilded scientists at a press conference for The Monsanto Company, not one thing that the corporation does is bad in any way past, present, or future. Monsanto, which was bought by Bayer for about 2,200 Roundup settlements ($66 billion USD), assures consumers that asking any more questions is a violation of copyright law [1].

“Ok, here’s our findings. Everything Monsanto does is fine,” said Monsanto’s Chief Sci-nancial Officer Jorm Jorgert. “Any agro-chemifiers made by us and our subsidiaries are so fine that you really shouldn’t even be asking about them! I have a report that says that. But I can’t show it to you.”

The team of scientists remained standing behind the podium, presumably because their glimmering solid gold lab coats prevented them from bending into the provided seating [2].

“Further inquiries into what we’re doing to the world’s food production systems, where we’re splicing what and so on can be directed to–  just write it down on a piece of paper and leave it by the incinerator.”
The team promptly left via a private stretch crop duster.

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