Scientists In Solid Gold Lab Coats Assure Public “Everything Bayer Is Doing Is Great”

Burgess, G., Graham, L. et al.

According to the gilded scientists at a press conference for The Monsanto Company, not one thing that the corporation does is bad in any way past, present, or future. Monsanto, which was bought by Bayer for about 2,200 Roundup settlements ($66 billion USD), assures consumers that asking any more questions is a violation of copyright law [1].

“Ok, here’s our findings. Everything Monsanto does is fine,” said Monsanto’s Chief Sci-nancial Officer Jorm Jorgert. “Any agro-chemifiers made by us and our subsidiaries are so fine that you really shouldn’t even be asking about them! I have a report that says that. But I can’t show it to you.”

The team of scientists remained standing behind the podium, presumably because their glimmering solid gold lab coats prevented them from bending into the provided seating [2].

“Further inquiries into what we’re doing to the world’s food production systems, where we’re splicing what and so on can be directed to–  just write it down on a piece of paper and leave it by the incinerator.”
The team promptly left via a private stretch crop duster.

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About Author

George Burgess

George Burgess is a writer and stand-up comedian in Toronto, Ontario. He can be heard on Sirius XM, has placed in or won many contests including but not limited to The Los Angeles Laugh Factory Stand Up Shot Contest 2017, Brampton One-Liner Competition 2017, and is a contributor to Funny Or Die. He can be seen performing all over mostly-Toronto and was recently nominated for Toronto’s Best Male Newcomer I Heart Jokes 2018 Award.

Lexa Graham

Lexa Graham is a comedian with a Master’s degree in Chemical Engineering, and the founder and editor of DNAtured Journal. She has previously written for Reductress, CBC Comedy and also had her research published in The Canadian Journal of Chemical Engineering. You can follow her on Twitter @LexaGrammar.

About George Burgess 5 Articles
George Burgess is a writer and stand-up comedian in Toronto, Ontario. He can be heard on Sirius XM, has placed in or won many contests including but not limited to The Los Angeles Laugh Factory Stand Up Shot Contest 2017, Brampton One-Liner Competition 2017, and is a contributor to Funny Or Die. He can be seen performing all over mostly-Toronto and was recently nominated for Toronto’s Best Male Newcomer I Heart Jokes 2018 Award.