“It’s estimated that the lines were carved in Peru around 500 AD by a 13-year-old boy ditching his chores.”

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HEALTH HACK ALERT! An apple a day really DOES keep the doctor away!

Former schoolteacher Devon Samuel Jr says he’s discovered a new fruit infused CURE ALL that has left doctors FURIOUS because they keep having to perform emergency surgery to remove APPLE SHRAPNEL from his urethra. But Samuel Jr says the procedure is working just as intended.

“I haven’t had the flu or anything since I started cramming apples up my penis, because the inner penile skin is so good at absorbing nutrients,” said Samuel Jr, whose procedure could soon SHAKE UP the healthcare system.

ENTREPRENEUR EXTRAORDINARE, Samuel Jr now owns HUNDREDS of patents on penile suppositories.

Breaking with professional conduct, Samuel Jr’s doctor confirmed that she does indeed HATE HIS FUCKING GUTS.

“I mean, we have to take an apple out of a penis. Every day,” said Dr. Corrine Yip. “Other people are dealing with serious unavoidable injuries and we have to waste our time de-coring this man’s mangled member.” 

Sounds like this doc is absolutely STEAMING that they’ve been replaced by this modern MEDICAL MARVEL.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about. I don’t know of a single patient who would choose that over having the flu for two weeks. His genitalia looks like a limp windsock!” exclaimed Dr. Yip, who just BROKE her PATIENT CONFIDENTIALITY and then asked SECURITY to ESCORT US OUT of the HOSPITAL

As we were being KICKED OUT, Samuel Jr’s ANGUISHED CRIES could be heard ECHOING off the hospital walls.

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The known universe was recently disturbed by an astronomical fashion faux pas – the discovery that the solar system’s grey Kuiper belt clashes with its patterned Kuiper shoes.

“Even on a good day, this belt choice would be rocky at best,” said astronomer stylist Victoria Cartier. “We haven’t seen something as horrible as this belt-and-shoes combo since an asteroid killed the entire population of Mars.”

She says it doesn’t take a telescope to see that this outfit was a mistake! On top of the garish accessory choice, Cartier says the entire galactic get up has tons of flaws.

“While the rings that the solar system is wearing on its Saturn are quite fashionable, that big red spot on its Jupiter could have used a quick pass with a Tide-to-GoTM stick,” continued Cartier. “Not to mention that the fabric of spacetime it’s wearing absolutely should have been ironed – apparently, in space, nobody can hear you steam!” 

Cartier says that the best part of the solar system’s outfit is probably its Earth, which looks hotter and hotter every time we see it (“almost dangerously so”). 

It’s clear that the solar system did its best, but with an outfit like that all you can do is go home, take a long meteor shower, and try again tomorrow.

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Astronomers at NASA have confirmed that newly discovered planet TJ 3000 is still trying it’s absolute darnedest out there in the Milky Way, despite having no ability to host human life.

The planet, which is several hundred light years away, has no distinguishing features that would make it unique among the millions of other terrestrial planets in the universe, but that has not stopped lonely astronomers from projecting human emotions onto it.

“It’s got this adorably pathetic atmosphere that couldn’t even support a microbe,” said NASA intern Rose Chiu, “but our telescope shows that it’s still putting in the effort to collect life-supporting gases like oxygen and nitrogen, which is pretty cool!”  

By contrast, Dr. Alan Comette, the lead investigator on this project, appeared confused when asked for a quote.

“We discover hundreds of planets every year, there’s no reason anyone should care about this one. It is an abiotic ball of rock, it can’t be ‘trying’ anything, let alone ‘trying it’s best.’”

Supporters of Planet TJ 3000 say that what Dr. Comette fails to understand is that despite killing every lifeform that would ever try to inhabit it, this brave little planet still trying to put its best dust cloud forward in the hopes that someday a rich billionaire would pay it some attention.

“Just because TJ can’t welcome us onto it’s icy shores today, doesn’t mean it won’t get there someday!”

The post Aww! This Newly Discovered Planet Can’t Support Life But It’s Still Trying Its Best! appeared first on dnatured journal.

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