Meader, B., Graham, L. et al.
HEALTH HACK ALERT! An apple a day really DOES keep the doctor away!
Former schoolteacher Devon Samuel Jr says he’s discovered a new fruit infused CURE ALL that has left doctors FURIOUS because they keep having to perform emergency surgery to remove APPLE SHRAPNEL from his urethra. But Samuel Jr says the procedure is working just as intended.
“I haven’t had the flu or anything since I started cramming apples up my penis, because the inner penile skin is so good at absorbing nutrients,” said Samuel Jr, whose procedure could soon SHAKE UP the healthcare system.
ENTREPRENEUR EXTRAORDINARE, Samuel Jr now owns HUNDREDS of patents on penile suppositories.
Breaking with professional conduct, Samuel Jr’s doctor confirmed that she does indeed HATE HIS FUCKING GUTS.
“I mean, we have to take an apple out of a penis. Every day,” said Dr. Corrine Yip. “Other people are dealing with serious unavoidable injuries and we have to waste our time de-coring this man’s mangled member.”
Sounds like this doc is absolutely STEAMING that they’ve been replaced by this modern MEDICAL MARVEL.
“I don’t know what you’re talking about. I don’t know of a single patient who would choose that over having the flu for two weeks. His genitalia looks like a limp windsock!” exclaimed Dr. Yip, who just BROKE her PATIENT CONFIDENTIALITY and then asked SECURITY to ESCORT US OUT of the HOSPITAL
As we were being KICKED OUT, Samuel Jr’s ANGUISHED CRIES could be heard ECHOING off the hospital walls.