Graham, L. et al.
Subject: New protocol for distributing lab rotation students
To: <exhausted graduate students>, <tenured professors>, <poverty-stricken adjunct professors>, <new students who have no idea what they’re in for>
We are excited to announce a new update to our graduate student procedures.
In order to distribute incoming graduate students to different laboratory groups more equitably, we are implementing a new protocol that involves sealing each student in a durable plastic tubes and spinning them at 20,000 RPM for one hour.
We hope this will reduce complaints from senior graduate students that new students take up too much space in the lab, as the procedure will compress students enough to fit on a countertop.
This will also ensure that grad students arrive to each lab sufficiently disoriented and depressed for rapid acclimatization to the lab culture.
To maximize efficiency, we advise that you top up each tube with coffee so that students may complete a relevant literature review while under centrifuge.
Department Head, Prestigious University