Department Update: Lab Rotation Students Will Now Be Distributed By Centrifuge

Graham, L. et al.


Subject: New protocol for distributing lab rotation students


From: <graduate.department@PrestigiousUniversity.edu>

To: <exhausted graduate students>, <tenured professors>, <poverty-stricken adjunct professors>, <new students who have no idea what they’re in for>


Hello colleagues,

We are excited to announce a new update to our graduate student procedures. 

In order to distribute incoming graduate students to different laboratory groups more equitably, we are implementing a new protocol that involves sealing each student in a durable plastic tubes and spinning them at 20,000 RPM for one hour.  

We hope this will reduce complaints from senior graduate students that new students take up too much space in the lab, as the procedure will compress students enough to fit on a countertop. 

This will also ensure that grad students arrive to each lab sufficiently disoriented and depressed for rapid acclimatization to the lab culture.

To maximize efficiency, we advise that you top up each tube with coffee so that students may complete a relevant literature review while under centrifuge. 

Regards,

Department Head, Prestigious University


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Lexa Graham

Lexa Graham is a comedian with a Master’s degree in Chemical Engineering, and the founder and editor of DNAtured Journal. She has previously written for Reductress, CBC Comedy and also had her research published in The Canadian Journal of Chemical Engineering. You can follow her on Twitter @LexaGrammar.

About Lexa Graham 77 Articles
Lexa Graham is a comedian with a Master’s degree in Chemical Engineering, and the founder and editor of DNAtured Journal. She has previously written for Reductress, CBC Comedy and also had her research published in The Canadian Journal of Chemical Engineering. You can follow her on Twitter @LexaGrammar.