Cheap Recipes For When You Find Out Someone Else Got That Grant

Graham, L. et al.

You’ve truly outdone yourself! You’ve turned weeks of writing applications into exactly zero grants! While you catch up on your neglected experiments, just remember that a complete lack of funding shouldn’t stop you from enjoying basic luxuries like eating.

So If your stipend makes ramen noodles seem expensive, here are seven free recipes that will only cost your remaining dignity.


Appetizers

Air Salad

Mix 78L of nitrogen gas, 21L oxygen gas and a dash of argon, carbon dioxide and neon in a large room. Inhale.

Sad Soup

Heat 2 cups of your own tears using a Bunsen burner. Salt to taste.


Mains

Leftover department pizza

Befriend the office secretary to obtain the date and location of every catered department meeting. Feast on the pizza crusts of someone else’s successful thesis defence.

Spicy DNA noodles

Extract some chromatids from one of your cells, scold them for not getting that grant, then lightly denature them with 5% acetic acid. Serve on an agar plate.


Deserts & Drinks

Gel-o shooters

Mix warm agarose and ethanol in a beaker and pour mixture into a tray of cell culture plates. Wait 1-2 hours until they set then serve. 

Lab Alcohol

If you need something to take the edge off, mouth pipette some ethanol into an Erlenmeyer flask and enjoy at room temperature. If you prefer your drinks sparkling over still, add some carbonic acid. 

Office Coffee

Since your stipend definitely won’t cover fruit this year, stave off the inevitable scurvy adding some ascorbic acid to a pot of office coffee.

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About Author

Lexa Graham

Lexa Graham is a comedian with a Master’s degree in Chemical Engineering, and the founder and editor of DNAtured Journal. She has previously written for Reductress, CBC Comedy and also had her research published in The Canadian Journal of Chemical Engineering. You can follow her on Twitter @LexaGrammar.

About Lexa Graham 77 Articles
Lexa Graham is a comedian with a Master’s degree in Chemical Engineering, and the founder and editor of DNAtured Journal. She has previously written for Reductress, CBC Comedy and also had her research published in The Canadian Journal of Chemical Engineering. You can follow her on Twitter @LexaGrammar.