Graham, L. et al.
The goal of most graduate students is to publish ground-breaking research that advances the field of science so they can justify spending thousands of dollars to write a paper only 17 people will read.
Tragically, many are forced to set aside an hour each week to interact with desperate undergraduates who are one grade point away from getting into med school.
Though there are many effective ways to limit communicating with the student body, our protocol as followed leads to a 92% decrease in student interaction so you can spend more time crying into a petri dish.
Have inconvenient office hours
Ideally, arrange your office hour to coincide with class time. Students will not notice until a day before the midterm.
Force them to read the syllabus
90% of questions asked by students could be answered if they just looked it up. Post the class syllabus with the exam breakdown on your office door along with a sign that says “the TA will dock your mark by 1% for questions that can be answered by just reading the syllabus”
Regularly change locations
Alter your office location every week. Post the location on the class page, buried between extra-curricular announcements.
Use optical illusions
Place a colour picture of your empty desk over the office window to make it appear as if no one is there. Stressed students have 70% lower cognition levels and may only have time to glance at your office door. This method is most effective during midterms and exams.