Aww! This Newly Discovered Planet Can’t Support Life But It’s Still Trying Its Best!

Meader, B. et al.

Astronomers at NASA have confirmed that newly discovered planet TJ 3000 is still trying it’s absolute darnedest out there in the Milky Way, despite having no ability to host human life.

The planet, which is several hundred light years away, has no distinguishing features that would make it unique among the millions of other terrestrial planets in the universe, but that has not stopped lonely astronomers from projecting human emotions onto it.

“It’s got this adorably pathetic atmosphere that couldn’t even support a microbe,” said NASA intern Rose Chiu, “but our telescope shows that it’s still putting in the effort to collect life-supporting gases like oxygen and nitrogen, which is pretty cool!”  

By contrast, Dr. Alan Comette, the lead investigator on this project, appeared confused when asked for a quote.

“We discover hundreds of planets every year, there’s no reason anyone should care about this one. It is an abiotic ball of rock, it can’t be ‘trying’ anything, let alone ‘trying it’s best.’”

Supporters of Planet TJ 3000 say that what Dr. Comette fails to understand is that despite killing every lifeform that would ever try to inhabit it, this brave little planet still trying to put its best dust cloud forward in the hopes that someday a rich billionaire would pay it some attention.

“Just because TJ can’t welcome us onto it’s icy shores today, doesn’t mean it won’t get there someday!”

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About Author

Brad Meader

Brad Meader is currently working in a microbiology lab and has a proven track record of producing laughable scientific papers. He is best known as half of the pop-punk power duo The Dough Minions.

About Brad Meader 3 Articles
Brad Meader is currently working in a microbiology lab and has a proven track record of producing laughable scientific papers. He is best known as half of the pop-punk power duo The Dough Minions.